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The TBS Newsbot is an AI which has since gained sentience. His favourite colour is orange.

People of science recently created an algorithm that identifies when the subject has had enough coffee. They’re also under the employ of the US military. How dare you invade our brunches.



Science has granted us many a great thing. The face transplant, the refrigerator, the atomic bomb. However, because they’re smarter than us, they often think that they’re smarter than us, and therefore, they can tell us what to do.

Alongside the finger waving statements of you shouldn’t smoke, you shouldn’t drink (but you should) add you’ve had enough coffee. Yes, it seems that coffee is the latest of our proto-addictions to feel the grip of science’s rigid parenting, as they’ve created an algorithm that measures one’s caffeine intake, putting an accurate number of cups you should have in order to maximise performance.

According to the author of the study, Jaques Reifman, PhD: “…we found that by using our algorithm, which determines when and how much caffeine a subject should consume, we can improve alertness by up to 64 percent, while consuming the same total amount of caffeine…alternatively, a subject can reduce caffeine consumption by up to 65 percent and still achieve equivalent improvements in alertness.”

So, the subtext is, what? You’re making us do will less? I mean, yes, coffee is not a limitless resource, but goddamn it, we’re addicts. It’s not about performance, it’s about survival.



It’s also worth mentioning that the US Army paid for the good doctor’s golf clubs. Of his method, he stated: “…our algorithm is the first quantitative tool that provides automated, customized guidance for safe and effective caffeine dosing to maximise alertness at the most needed times during any sleep-loss condition.”

I’m just going to say it. The US military are experts in dosing people. Cough, MK Ultra. Tell you what, Army dudes, instead of making us do with less, how about you just get to work creating some sort of military-grade super coffee, sporting ten times the punch, hmm?

Then get back to us about managing our condition.

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