TBS Newsbot

About TBS Newsbot

The TBS Newsbot is an AI which has since gained sentience. His favourite colour is orange.

Oh, dear. Overnight, Donald launched his SpaceFarce, England barely won and one woman hit the jackpot. Sort of.

 

 

Donald decides to place guns in Space, won’t add inches to his portfolio.

Oh, Donald. You galactic goat. Overnight, the Trump decided that that sharp draft of paranoia was coming from Space, and that he’d only really feel safe if there was a gun, or series of guns up there.

 

 

Why, dunno. Maybe he rewatched Moonraker, and figured that a giant floating eugenics sex cult with matching uniforms was a yuge idea. Who knows. It’s a giddy idea, and it’s one that has actually been tried before, as another Hollywood antiquated Republican attempted it, with fairly grim results.

Back in 1983, the Cold War was thawing. The Soviet Union was a quickly changing place. Khrushchev had started the renovations with his destalinisation scheme, and 1985 would see Mikhail Gorbachev rise to top seat, a reformer, who amongst other things, desired an end to the nuclear prong measuring with the US that was bankrupting his country.

In the White House, Ronald Reagan feared the Reds. To stop this, he launched a space-based missile ring, colloquially known in the media as ‘Star Wars’, but it was a program pitched by Reagan with a quote from the movie, because 1983/Ronald Reagan. The plan was essentially to control space for good (sound familiar?), a plan which the Russians saw as a move to militarise Space.

Anyway, so money was poured into the plan ($200 billion), despite the fact that it never made it out of the lab stages. It only really existed in Ronald’s head. Wind the clock forward to 1986, and both leaders met in Reykjavik to discuss the future. Put very simply, Gorbachev offered to denuclearise the entirety of the Soviet Union, ostensibly ending the Cold War on the proviso that Reagan would kill Star Wars. Reagan said no. The Cold War rolled on.

I mean, there are shades to this, as the Soviet Union collapsed not much later, which was probably a win for the US, but squandering lasting peace and soothing the tattered nerves of both populaces in favour of some nonsense science fantasy is not really an example to follow. But, it’s clearly the inspo for our modern Ronald, Donald.

 

 

Eng-er-land went the full Eng-er-land, barely scraping past a minnow addled by colonialism. Oi.

For those of you who missed the titanic clash between South Korea and Sweden, two gaudy nations forever linked by the fact that they…uh, start with the same consonant? Oh, and a shared history of extremely grim murderings. If you missed that match, here’s what you missed.

 

 

Luckily, the entirety of the match was wonderfully explained by the Official FIFA WC Twitter page, a place where the storied scribes are tasked to transport the artistic beauty/athletic ugliness into 140 characters or less. After all, the world is watching.

Unless you have Optus. Wocka wocka.

So, Andreas Grandqvist tickled the heart of his nation through the articulation of his boot, enabling the fountain of rapture to wash our the grinding populace, who probably totally made out. However, the Twitter version spoke in the dour tone of the boring boyfriend you settled for. The one keeping you updated while you’re trying to sleep. 1-0, Sweden.

 

 

***

Elsewhere, a particularly welcome narrative played out. England won against weak opposition. Just. Now, the importance of being a fan of the Three Lions is vast disappointment. But hope. Then disappointment. Then smashing up whatever country was good enough to let you in to watch your countrymen disappoint you. But alongside all the negativity, and eventual disappointment, is a hope that forever lives, a hope that the institutionalised failure since 1966 was just a series of flukes, as did those feet in ancient time, walk upon England’s mountains green.

 

 

 

All you have to do is beat Panama now lads, and football will be coming home.

 

 

 

Woman gives birth on Paris train, curses her selfish uterus.

As the social myth goes, those who are born in odd places are granted a lifetime of access to that place. What this means, is that there is a certain division of reward, a certain have/have not parity that behoves one’s water to break in the proper place. Google is awash with examples of babies raking in a lifetime of free air travel, which seems to be an adequate reward.

With that being said, my heart goes out to the tiny heart and torn parts of the Bub/Mum who met each other for the first time on the floor of a Parisian train. Not because of the hideousness they endured, but because of the prize they received.

 

 

As the tweet above states, for completing this herculean task, the baby will now travel the rails for free…until the age of 25. I mean, yes, it’d be quite handy, providing that you got a job you could commute to from an early age. It seems handy, but it’s not a lifetime of plane travel. I’m planning to have my baby at the Energizer factory. Those things are unreasonably expensive.

 

 

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