While you were asleep: Australia draws (ire), Melania knows fashun, The Last Jedi remake by unpopular demand

Friday. Huzzah. Overnight, Australia didn’t win, but we found victory, Melania Trump wore words and a bunch of angry dorks wants to remake Star Wars. Ok.



Australia draws with Denmark, Croatia rolls over Argentina.

Last night, the nation was linked in angst. Shackled together in nervousness, bound with the rope of cautious optimism. The morning after the night before is hard to figure. We’re unsure. It was sort of a good result, but it wasn’t. We needed to beat Denmark, but we didn’t.

However, continuing our national trend of collectively scapegoating incompetence (see also: Optus), we all marched to the front door of Robbie Kruse and loudly shat on the stoop. I mean, I don’t want to validate trolling, but our Lord and Saviour Daniel Arzani did far much more in 20 minutes than Robbie did in 70. Quick mafs dictates that some of the shit hurled at Robbie should stick.






All hail our greatest, newest scapegoat. Just hope he doesn’t get a pundit job on Optus. That’d be far too meta. Or obvious.

Elsewhere, the footballing world turned on its head and fell down a flight of stairs, with the moving plinth of Lionel Messi thoroughly torched by the marauding forces of Croatia. Now, if you’re curious about the how, the easy answer lies along similar lines of anyone who has played FIFA online: Absolute bullshit.

I mean, cue the Curb music, because this is high-grade nonsense.



In response, the greatest/angriest Argentinian Diego Maradona took grip of his controller and launched it through the nearest window.



What last night did happen to enable was the recommencement of the eternal debate of ruminants, with Ronaldo getting the goat of the GOAT’s goat, with him seemingly the greater goat, today. Let’s be honest here, the whole #TeamRonaldo v #TeamMessi support is the height of fickledom, and is thusly sans value, despite the amount of angry empathy one pours into the pit.




Melania dips to the level of populace, sports high-grade sass.

You know what’s cool cool? Sassy fashion. Those numbers on the rack at K-Mart that you or your progeny would never wear, not because they’re tacky as fuck, but because you don’t have the confidence to silently shout at strangers that the amount of fucks you have left to give is none left. I mean you don’t have to ask the wearer how their day is going, because their clothes already said it. Amazing.



For those of you who are curious about what this ancient missive carved in rock might be in reference to, fortunately, we have access to America’s most cunning linguist who was good enough to decode the statement.



Star Wars dorks want to reshoot The Last Jedi, seeking crowdfunding.

It’s fairly obvious that the Star Wars fanverse is a wretched hive of scum and villainy, evidenced by bullying their stars until they put a blaster in their mouth, or re-cutting a film so it has no women in it, but it seems that there is no limit of the hate that flows through them. Giving into their anger, a pioneering bunch of balanced nerf-herders has decided to crowdfund a ridiculous amount of money to reshoot The Last Jedi.




I’m unsure what the goal is here. Are they going to pay Disney the amount to reshoot it? With the same crew? Just entertain the fanbase because they asked for it, a moronic money spinner with no actual value other than to line the pockets of…actually I’m just going to stop. Mickey, please. Stop, no, and don’t.



Although, it seems that the moral Alderaan has already been detonated, as TLJ director Rian Johnson seems to be onboard.




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