- The gig economy will rent you a friend (stranger without a background check) for cash!
- Paul Kelly, Harry’s Cafe de Wheels and OzHarvest: A collab made in Gravy heaven
- What did we do to deserve this? Well, everything, actually
- Queen restores absolute monarchy after Tories sweep exit polls
- On the back of another election, both parties seem incapable of handling Britain’s problems
Friday. Huzzah. Overnight, Australia didn’t win, but we found victory, Melania Trump wore words and a bunch of angry dorks wants to remake Star Wars. Ok.
Australia draws with Denmark, Croatia rolls over Argentina.
Last night, the nation was linked in angst. Shackled together in nervousness, bound with the rope of cautious optimism. The morning after the night before is hard to figure. We’re unsure. It was sort of a good result, but it wasn’t. We needed to beat Denmark, but we didn’t.
However, continuing our national trend of collectively scapegoating incompetence (see also: Optus), we all marched to the front door of Robbie Kruse and loudly shat on the stoop. I mean, I don’t want to validate trolling, but our Lord and Saviour Daniel Arzani did far much more in 20 minutes than Robbie did in 70. Quick mafs dictates that some of the shit hurled at Robbie should stick.
Daniel Arzani vs Denmark:
2 key passes
1/1 shots on target
Robbie Kruse vs Denmark:
0 key passes
0/1 shots on target
Quite a lot of Australia’s attacks filtered through Arzani after he came on. pic.twitter.com/yt9eLOSoIm
— Scouted Football (@ScoutedFtbl) 21 June 2018
Things Robbie Kruse is better than Azani at:
1. Flailing wildly
2. Flaffing around in the box
3. Playing the ball to the opposition’s feet during an attack while under no pressure
— Kerrod Gream (@KerrodGream) 21 June 2018
— Lou Campana (@lcampanbanana) 21 June 2018
Who’s nudes does Robbie Kruse have? How do we justify this selection? Every manager?
— Michael Read (@michaelread1) 21 June 2018
All hail our greatest, newest scapegoat. Just hope he doesn’t get a pundit job on Optus. That’d be far too meta. Or obvious.
Elsewhere, the footballing world turned on its head and fell down a flight of stairs, with the moving plinth of Lionel Messi thoroughly torched by the marauding forces of Croatia. Now, if you’re curious about the how, the easy answer lies along similar lines of anyone who has played FIFA online: Absolute bullshit.
I mean, cue the Curb music, because this is high-grade nonsense.
Just in case anyone missed a fantastic victory for Croatia over Argentina #ARGCRO #ArgentinavsCroatia #Argentina #Croatia #Worldcup2018Russia #Messi face at the end is amazing pic.twitter.com/SBjVbcxzmp
— sting rae ⚓️⚓️⚓️ (@stingrae1985) 21 June 2018
In response, the greatest/angriest Argentinian Diego Maradona took grip of his controller and launched it through the nearest window.
“Modric was an excellent. Days like today, I wish players like that were Argentinian. Our leaders are not leaders now. Messi doesn’t have that personality. It’s a shambles. He took pictures with a goat. You’re not the goat. Win something first.” – Diego Maradona after #ARGCRO pic.twitter.com/S9V2hQ4aNi
— beIN SOCCER (@belNSOCCER) 21 June 2018
What last night did happen to enable was the recommencement of the eternal debate of ruminants, with Ronaldo getting the goat of the GOAT’s goat, with him seemingly the greater goat, today. Let’s be honest here, the whole #TeamRonaldo v #TeamMessi support is the height of fickledom, and is thusly sans value, despite the amount of angry empathy one pours into the pit.
Messi is not the coach of Argentina!
Messi is not a goalkeeper of Argentina!
Messi is not a defender of Argentina!
Messi is not Argentina!
He cannot perform a magic alone!
Please respect The him, GREATEST OF ALL TIME. #WORLDCUP #ARGCRO pic.twitter.com/BcfGYS9xho
— Clement (@clement7898) 21 June 2018
— Mad E’Leine ♀️ (@badgalmaddie_) 21 June 2018
Melania dips to the level of populace, sports high-grade sass.
You know what’s cool cool? Sassy fashion. Those numbers on the rack at K-Mart that you or your progeny would never wear, not because they’re tacky as fuck, but because you don’t have the confidence to silently shout at strangers that the amount of fucks you have left to give is none left. I mean you don’t have to ask the wearer how their day is going, because their clothes already said it. Amazing.
— Tim Mak (@timkmak) June 21, 2018
For those of you who are curious about what this ancient missive carved in rock might be in reference to, fortunately, we have access to America’s most cunning linguist who was good enough to decode the statement.
“I REALLY DON’T CARE, DO U?” written on the back of Melania’s jacket, refers to the Fake News Media. Melania has learned how dishonest they are, and she truly no longer cares!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) 21 June 2018
Star Wars dorks want to reshoot The Last Jedi, seeking crowdfunding.
It’s fairly obvious that the Star Wars fanverse is a wretched hive of scum and villainy, evidenced by bullying their stars until they put a blaster in their mouth, or re-cutting a film so it has no women in it, but it seems that there is no limit of the hate that flows through them. Giving into their anger, a pioneering bunch of balanced nerf-herders has decided to crowdfund a ridiculous amount of money to reshoot The Last Jedi.
Our team of producers is offering to cover the budget for a remake of The Last Jedi in order to save Star Wars. Share this and spread the word to let @RobertIger & @Disney know you want this! This isn’t a joke, we’re ready to have the convo now! #RemakeTheLastJedi #StarWars
— Remake The Last Jedi (@RMTheLastJedi) June 20, 2018
We will be consulting with Star Wars fans directly throughout the writing of the remake of The Last Jedi as the plan is to make a version of TLJ that is as close to universally accepted as possible! (You’ll never please everyone, but at least it wouldn’t be blasphemy)
— Remake The Last Jedi (@RMTheLastJedi) June 20, 2018
I’m unsure what the goal is here. Are they going to pay Disney the amount to reshoot it? With the same crew? Just entertain the fanbase because they asked for it, a moronic money spinner with no actual value other than to line the pockets of…actually I’m just going to stop. Mickey, please. Stop, no, and don’t.
Things I Will Fix in The Last Jedi:
1. Leia and Holdo kiss
2. Luke = more crotchety
3. Kylo Ren and Rey sing a funny duet about becoming friends in their mind-link set to a montage of Rey pissing off the nuns
4. Kylo Ren actually never wears a shirt now and is wider every scene
— Kivan, King of Cups (he/him) (@KivaBay) June 21, 2018
Although, it seems that the moral Alderaan has already been detonated, as TLJ director Rian Johnson seems to be onboard.
please please please please pleeeeeeeaaaase please actually happen please please please please please https://t.co/mNpSjgovax
— Rian Johnson (@rianjohnson) June 21, 2018