Fake News, you don’t make a lick of sense. This week we investigate the paranoia of rice that bounces, the pizza pie wedding bouquet and the benefits of hot dog water.
As Francis Bacon once said: “There is no beauty that hath not some strangeness in the proportion.” And he’d know, as he created Bacon & Eggs one morning back in 1626 when his arm fell into the pan he was cooking breakfast in.
Fake News is a lot like that (the beauty part, not breakfast), it’s often brutal, ugly and smells questionable, but for some reason, you cannot look away. It’s imperfectly perfect. So, you gawp and screw your neck in its direction when it proudly struts by you, as you wonder what a life shared with it would be like.
But, know that you cannot trap Fake News, you can’t put a ring on it and quietly shuffle it off to suburbia. Sadly, it will remain a love felt from afar, briefly interspersed by numerous bouts of hatefucking. But know this, it’ll leave you unfulfilled, and the cigarettes you smoke afterwards will not bring you two closer. Fake News will never change. It’s best you move on as quick as possible, and find someone who deserves you. Someone boring, like objective fact. They’re always texting you. Call them.
We’re driving to Fake News’s house aren’t we? Ok.
Internet Curio #1 – Artist creates Hot Dog water, risks the lives of the body political everywhere.
Call me an antiquated crank, but a music festival should be a three-day experience, one sans toilets, much love and with a defining moment ignored due to that fact that everyone was over it. Since the turn of the millennium, it’s gone awry. I don’t want to point fingers here, but having a living meme headline Coachella is systemic of the problem.
Fortunately, it’s a construct ripe for satirisation, and one artist from Canada has decided to do exactly that. Douglas Bevans set up a booth at the Car-Free Day Festival and started selling bottles of unfiltered hot dog water for $38 earth dollars.
The entirety of the product was created as part of a stunt to highlight how easy it is to be lead astray by misleading health marketing.
Speaking to Global News, Douglas said: “The protein of the Hot Dog Water helps your body uptake the water content, and the sodium and all the things you’d need post-workout. We’ve created a recipe, having a lot of people put a lot of effort into research and a lot of people with backgrounds in science creating the best version of Hot Dog Water that we could.”
It sounds legit, as does the stand in where they peddle their lies.
A flyer advertising the water contained testimonials from ‘professionals’ including one by a Doctor Cynthia Dringus, a Nobel Prize-winning nutritionist, who said: “Hot Dog Water is the NEW coconut water!”
Jesus, that’s all we need. Another coconut water. Quel Horror.
Internet Curio #2 – New York pizzeria cashes in on millennial addiction.
Nationalism is going through a bit of a rough patch. Be proud of where you are from, and you are placed in the same category as those superheroes that wear the flag as a cape. But, I find this left impulse to not be right.
Represent your heritage, I say.
To that end, New York, land of the Pizza Pie (and abusive cabbies) have decided to represent their culinary genesis, replacing the tired wedding bouquet with something a slice more appropriate: pizza.
The insane minds responsible, Villa Italian Kitchen said: “Perfect for any couple looking to add some fun and flavour to their big day, the Pizza Bouquet and Boutonniere feature beautiful and delicate floral details hand-crafted by New York food-stylist Jessie Bearden.”
I mean, it’s kind of magic. Soundtrack Dean Martin’s That’s Amore to the moment the bride flings the bouquet into the unmarried crowd and when the moon hits your eye, like a big pizza pie…
Internet Curio #3 – Plastic rice paranoia steams Chinese officials, suggest rampant ricecism.
In the ancient world, rice was ambrosia of the gods. But as times change, and we march ever closer to universal atheism, the fruits of heaven must change too. Considering our Lord and saviour might be Kimberly Karshadian, it makes sense that rice is now made of plastic.
So, is it real? Well, sort of.
Alexander Waugh, director of the UK-based Rice Association (nerd!), says the videos may be authentic – but not because the grains are plastic. In conversation with BBC radio, Waugh claimed: “The natural characteristics of rice are carbohydrates and proteins and you can do something like that with rice.”
The paranoia of plastic rice is nothing new. Back in China in 2010, the rumours stated that plastic rice was being manufactured and mixed in with the real rice supply. The rumours were originally prompted by “fake rice” scandals, although they didn’t involve food made entirely out of plastic. The rumours were further compounded when a Chinese restaurant association official warned that eating three bowls of “plastic rice” was the equivalent of eating one plastic bag.
The story reached Africa by 2016, with Nigerian customs authorities confiscated 2.5 tonnes of rice. Customs officials initially claimed that the rice was plastic. – They were later forced to backtrack when the country’s health minister said there was no evidence for the claims.
So, why does it persist? Well, primary rice-cism, as journalist Alexandre Capron believes that: “…the rumour is more popular in countries which are dependent on imported rice like Ivory Coast or Senegal,” he says. “The rumour is so huge that governments are compelled to make statements… as to why there is no plastic rice.”