Fake News. I don’t like the way you’re looking at me. This week, we chase the truth of a thrown tennis ball, a culinary sensitivity and the rattlesnakes taking the best spots at the pool.
As Francis Bacon once said: “There is no beauty that hath not some strangeness in the proportion.” And he’d know, as he created Bacon & Eggs one morning back in 1626 when his arm fell into the pan he was cooking breakfast in.
Fake News is a lot like that (the beauty part, not breakfast), it’s often brutal, ugly and smells questionable, but for some reason, you cannot look away. It’s imperfectly perfect. So, you gawp and screw your neck in its direction when it proudly struts by you, as you wonder what a life shared with it would be like.
But, know that you cannot trap Fake News, you can’t put a ring on it and quietly shuffle it off to suburbia. Sadly, it will remain a love felt from afar, briefly interspersed by numerous bouts of hatefucking. But know this, it’ll leave you unfulfilled, and the cigarettes you smoke afterwards will not bring you two closer. Fake News will never change. It’s best you move on as quick as possible, and find someone who deserves you. Someone boring, like objective fact. They’re always texting you. Call them.
We’re driving to Fake News’s house aren’t we? Ok.
Internet Curio #1 – Man asks for extra spit in his burger, can’t handle the kinkshaming.
Let me be upfront. The story about the New Yorker who had spittle added to his burger is absolutely true.
However, I believe that it was reported incorrectly. The general narrative is that a vengeful waitress ordered the ol’ Hackensack Hackback as a means of getting even. The man in question reacted exactly as you’d expect (with rage), and the staff member in question was sacked.
If we were to dig deeper, the story gets more interesting, as I believe that N ordered the loogie, and the subsequent kink shaming forced him to go along, scapegoating the waitress, as the risk of social ostracisation was too great. He wasn’t prepared to out himself in front of the world. Which is understandable.
The restaurant was soon dragged on social media, taking the form of a series of negative reviews, however, that is also an exercise in folly, as they happily went along with the request.
Maybe the lesson here is to be that grill cook. Don’t question odd kink, just do as you’re told.
Internet Curio #2 – Pool noodles become floating devices for rattlesnakes.
The bane of those attempting to relax poolside, the pool noodle has hit headlines as they’ve apparently joined forces with another American antagonist, the rattlesnake. Per USA Today:
Fire department officials in Buckeye, Ariz., warned on Facebook of the reptiles hiding inside pool noodles following a citizen’s report claiming they discovered rattlesnakes and babies when they broke out the toy for use in the pool.
The department said following some research, they found reports of other types of snakes laying eggs inside the pool noodle or nearby pool noodles left outdoors near bushes or block fences.
“If you come into contact with a rattlesnake, or any other type of snake, stay calm,” said the department.
Ostensibly, the Fire Departments of Arizona warned residents to check their noodles were the waterfront property of unwelcome rattling interlopers.
Oddly, the internet is insure whether it is true or not. Perhaps it can be best categorised in the realm of smart-half-truth and moronic urban legend. Something similar to checking your shoes for funnel webs, or your back seat for murderers.
I mean, they do look like floaties for snakes, so consider it confirmed. I guess?
Internet Curio #3 – Doggo harmed by best fren in the entire world, world sends fren to naughty corner.
As the great canine minds of our age have espoused, the primary social issue surrounding tennis balls is why we should not misrepresent our intentions.
However, there seemingly is another, as our doggo’s hyperfluorescent besties are actually doing them a frighten.
The entirety of the squeaky toy of correctness swirls around a very good boy named Sydney, a Collie that suffered a chemically swollen tongue. The culprit was apparently the balls he was known to chew on. Not those ones, I can assume he was desexed. Right?
Is it true? Maybe. According to Alfred Restivo, owner of Sydney’s shelter:
Although I believe the tennis balls caused the issues with these dogs, I have no definitive proof. I can only go by what I saw, the situation the dogs were in, and the resulting outcome. In one case a dog chewed and swallowed a ball , which appeared to result in a ‘burn’ around a mouth. Another dog, Otis in the FB post, was merely playing catch with a tennis ball. Mouth ‘Burns’ soon showed up afterward. One of our boarding dogs was just licking, chewing and playing with a tennis ball but never swallowed or tore it apart. He had mouth “burns” on the guns and tongue. The fourth dog chewed and licked on a tennis ball for good while but never swallowed it. Her tongue swelled, and there were “burns” on both her mouth and gums.
However, the question remains. Should we then remove all tennis balls, forever disappointing our fur babies in order to save them, even if they look at us with glassy eyes of betrayal?
I mean that sounds like logical parenting, but I suggest a third option: Buy them the highest-quality balls. Those that come in a carbonated can. I know they’re expensive, especially for something they’re just going to destroy anyway, but they love you unconditionally.
Don’t put a price on that.