Direct from the White House, Ivanka reveals the advice she gave her dad about his trip to Europe. God help us.
As one of Dad’s most trusted advisers it fell to me to prep him for the European tour. It felt like I was the only thing standing between him and an unnatural disaster at NATO, a right royal punch-up at the Palace and a hard Trexit from Europe.
“Look Dad” I said earnestly, “you need to be more tolerant of NATO.”
“It’s impossible to tolerate an organisation” protested Dad, “that treats my buddy Putin like a terrorist and expects me to foot the bill.”
“It would cause a huge upset in the world order” I advised, “if you stuffed NATO.”
“On the contrary,” responded Dad. “The only thing sustaining unity in NATO and the EU is their blind hatred of me. I’m going to ensure that after my visit they will be more united than ever.”
“Look Dad” I said sternly, “you need to appreciate the contribution Europe makes to the world. They’ve given us democracy, art, fashion and the BMW.”
“That Bloody Merkel Woman is a disaster,” asserted Dad.
My heart sank as I contemplated the prospect of Dad meeting the Queen.
“Tell me” asked Dad, “have you reassured the Queen she doesn’t have to curtsey when she meets me?”
“It’s taken us all our time” I revealed, “to persuade her against carrying a placard that says ‘Free The Kids On The Southern Border’.”
“I can’t believe how soft they are on refugees in the UK,” declared Dad. “They allowed Meghan Markle to become a citizen without even making her wait in a refugee camp. Incidentally the other day I was thinking about who I’d least like to be stuck in an elevator with: Merkel, Hillary or Theresa May. I couldn’t make up my mind so I decided to stay out of elevators.”
“Don’t tell me” I pleaded, “that Melania plans to visit the Palace in that jacket with ‘I really don’t care do u?’ plastered all over the back.”
“No chance,” Dad reassured me. “I’m having a special one made for her that says ‘I don’t give a royal shit and neither should you’.”
“What’s on the agenda when you meet Putin?”
“Mostly locker-room talk.”
“Where are you meeting him?”
“In a Helsinki locker-room.”
“Is anyone joining you?”
“No, Harvey isn’t allowed to leave the country and Stormy is booked out ’til Christmas.”
“What else will you be talking to Putin about?”
“The Berlin Wall and the Iron Curtain, because I’m trying to decide whether it would be better to place an Iron Curtain along the Southern Border rather than a wall. Mike Pompeo reckons it would deny the refugees any window of opportunity. And I’m going to ask Putin to accept Robert Mueller on the same refugee programme as Edward Snowden.”
“What’s your strategy to hold on to the Republican majorities in the Senate and the House of Reps at the mid-terms?” I enquired.
“Thank you for reminding me,” said Dad gratefully. “I knew there was something else I had to talk to Putin about.”