Fake News. Why always you. This week we find out if there’s any truth to the Forrest Gump 2 trailer, if cars in Arizona actually melted and why Akon made himself a target for the CIA.
As Francis Bacon once said: “There is no beauty that hath not some strangeness in the proportion.” And he’d know, as he created Bacon & Eggs one morning back in 1626 when his arm fell into the pan he was cooking breakfast in.
Fake News is a lot like that (the beauty part, not breakfast), it’s often brutal, ugly and smells questionable, but for some reason, you cannot look away. It’s imperfectly perfect. So, you gawp and screw your neck in its direction when it proudly struts by you, as you wonder what a life shared with it would be like.
But, know that you cannot trap Fake News, you can’t put a ring on it and quietly shuffle it off to suburbia. Sadly, it will remain a love felt from afar, briefly interspersed by numerous bouts of hatefucking. But know this, it’ll leave you unfulfilled, and the cigarettes you smoke afterwards will not bring you two closer. It’s best you move on as quick as possible, and find someone who deserves you. Someone boring, like objective fact.
They’re always texting you. Call them.
We’re driving to Fake News’s house aren’t we? Ok.
Internet Curio #1: Internet goes wild for Gump sequel trailer. Your mama should have cared more about yo education. Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee!
Forrest Gump, as well all know, is a quotable tale about a dim man who has no idea what is going on, but somehow becomes rich, famous and honourable. He’s the beating heart of every American sans the dangerous levels of cholesterol. It’s a charming movie as it presents great myths, two things that every Yankee believes they possess: Upward social mobility, and the ability to run.
This week, this internet was presented with a familiar box of chocolates, but one that was stacked with truffled lies, as a fake trailer for the Gump sequel (Gump 2: Gump Harder), did the rounds. Although, if you believe this was true, you’re an idiot. Stupid is as stupid does.
I mean, yes. The unwanted sequel to a beloved original is an American institution, but if we covet a gritty Gump reboot, I suggest we look no further than the dude who resides at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Donald has followed the narrative to the letter, as Chapman did to Catcher.
In fact, let’s get recobble the cast together to make the Trump biopic the subversive Gump sequel.
It writes itself!
Your boy is…different, Mrs Trump.
They is sending me to Viet-nam, but I got the bone-spurs.
Lt. Dan: They gave you an imbecile, a moron who goes on television and makes a fool out himself in front of the whole damn country, the Presidency of the United States?
Trump: Yes, Sir.
Lt. Dan: Well that’s just perfect!
Internet Curio #2: Cars attempt to escape Arizona by melting, shocks stuffy British types.
Arizona is a godforsaken place. If movies and television have taught me anything, it’s a place full of dangerous traps set by deluded, albeit resourceful Coyotes or a place where High School science teachers decide to break bad and make all of the drugs. The blue, yellow, pink, tight, tight, tight kind.
Shit. I think I’m thinking of New Mexico.
Maybe the most memorable aspect of Arizona is that it is entirely forgettable. But, there’s the twist you see, it’s a place so boring, so plain, that every trip back there is like the first time. The disappointment you feel will always be fresh.
No? Well, according to “news” “sources”, it’s a holiday destination that inanimate objects can’t even deal, as a series of cars were captured melting to the floor to enable their escape a la Alex Mack.
Now, while the cars are real, the caption is false. It was originally reported by a series of people who don’t understand the concept of heat, the British, as a report from “The Round,” presented the image as if the pictured cars had melted due to extreme temperatures, and not the victims of a nearby fire that they actually were:
The heatwave in the UK has got plenty of people talking as temperatures hit 30°C over the weekend.
But in the state of Arizona in the US, the heat hit astonishing levels. This week weather forecasts suggest that the state will have temperatures of 44°C.
It’s been so hot in fact, that cars have actually started melting!
Now England, I’m really happy for you, and imma let you finish, but Western Sydney had one of the greatest suburban heat waves of all time.
Internet Curio #3: Akon decides to split from mainland Senegal, creates cryptocurrency named after himself.
Akon, the man somewhat famous for being perpetually lonely and/or smacking that has decided to re-invent himself, following the footsteps of another successful African dude, Idi Amin. This week, he’s announced that he’s building a “real life Wakanda” in his home country Senegal, where it will solely deal in cryptocurrency, which he’s calling ‘Akoin’.
Right. Just a quick recap. This is Dhaka:
And this is Wakanda:
I mean, delusion aside, it’s not treason, for whatever reason. He’s ostensibly cutting himself off from Senegal to appoint himself king; but like all the nonsense kings of all, he’s not that interesting in how it’d actually work, as he openly stated he will “let the geeks figure it out”.
Yo, CIA. If you’re listening, you killed Lumumba for less.