Well, morning again. Hooray. Overnight, McDonald’s (sort of) entered the crypto game, LeBron James went back to school and a democratic race was interrupted by Bigfoot’s penis. Yup.
McDonald’s debuts the MacCoin, leading nonsense investors to gorge. Probably.
In 2018, our currency of currency is hyper-inflated. We’re not exactly sure what all this change is worth. The EU dollar is a drunken mess, slurring words, swirling around the room, hoping to get someone, anyone, to join them in the next room, the UK Marklemark is having an identity crisis, and crypto has shifted the idea of money not living in your pocket, but somewhere in the nether-realm, a place rumoured to be walked exclusively by the more toxic and shallow of your contemporaries.
Now, nothing against the fine minds of the McDonald’s Empire (strong arms, noble people, fine bovines), but adding their stream to an already crowded fiduciary urinal has a particularly caustic smell to it.
— Paul R. La Monica (@LaMonicaBuzz) July 30, 2018
According to Twitter, the MacCoin has no value outside the restaurant, as One MacCoin = One BigMac.
However, as the standard cost for the standard BigMac is now $5.70, that roughly equates it to the pre-boom 2011 vintage of Bitcoin. I’m not saying you should invest, but the time is now, broski.
LeBron opens “I Promise” school in Ohio, brings merch.
Those in the sporting realm have a bit of a problem loving LeBron. You either love him, or you have a problem with doing so. It probably has something to do with him sitting atop a gaudy throne made entirely of his hubris, or the fact that he referred to himself in the third person when he ultimately chose himself. That, or his rumoured push to contemporise the millennial bible story, Space Jam.
Space Jam sequel featuring LeBron is now in the works 👀👀 pic.twitter.com/8bAV23yXWj
— Everything Nike (@EverythiingNike) 3 May 2016
However, things are changing in the nonsense kingdom, as the love is eventually coming to him. This probably truly begun when he unsuccessfully tried to drag up his collection of cuck scrubs up Warriors Mountain, and has probably come to term with the announcement of him opening a school in Akron, Ohio.
— SportsCenter (@SportsCenter) July 30, 2018
Painted across the walls of LeBron’s school is the maxim “I Promise”, a string of hopeful words that students must mutter through every morning. Now, I could joke that repeating a slick marketing-sheen ethos in your developmental years has a poor historical cousin in the Taliban, but I won’t. Levity aside, LeBron opened a school based on his own tough formative experience. Well done, Bron-Bron.
— I PROMISE School (@IPROMISESchool) July 30, 2018
Backwater political race gets racy with the introduction of Bigfoot erotica.
American Politics is a difficult thing to justify to those you know. It’s very much like the nerdiest of your pursuits, like tabletop gaming. Or medieval fairs. Or polyamory. You might enjoy it, but the collective nonsense that swirls around it forces you to add qualifiers to your enjoyment. I know it’s silly, but…
In the age of Trump for something to suck the air out of an already strangled room is no mean feat, but congratulations must be in order for the participants of a backwater Virginian election, as they were good enough to give us this:
— Mashable (@mashable) 30 July 2018
Yeah, what? Anyway, there’s some truth to a fictionalised sexualisation of a fictional creature, as this turned up on the Instagram of the Republican option, Denver Riggleman.
My opponent Denver Riggleman, running mate of Corey Stewart, was caught on camera campaigning with a white supremacist. Now he has been exposed as a devotee of Bigfoot erotica. This is not what we need on Capitol Hill. pic.twitter.com/0eBvxFd6sG
— Leslie Cockburn (@LeslieCockburn) 29 July 2018
Riggleman v Cockburn feat. Bigfoot Erotica. Ok.
I know the Americans like to toy with the idea that they created democracy, but if this is what they’re using it for, perhaps we should take the batteries out of it and hide it on a shelf they can’t get to.