Fake News is a strange beast. It should be studied, then erased from the Earth. This week, Buzz Aldrin confirmed a long-running conspiracy…to a child.
As Francis Bacon once said: “There is no beauty that hath not some strangeness in the proportion.” And he’d know, as he created Bacon & Eggs one morning back in 1626 when his arm fell into the pan he was cooking breakfast in.
Fake News is a lot like that (the beauty part, not breakfast), it’s often brutal, ugly and smells questionable, but for some reason, you cannot look away. It’s imperfectly perfect. So, you gawp and screw your neck in its direction when it proudly struts by you, as you wonder what a life shared with it would be like.
But, know that you cannot trap Fake News, you can’t put a ring on it and quietly shuffle it off to suburbia. Sadly, it will remain a love felt from afar, briefly interspersed by numerous bouts of hatefucking. But know this, it’ll leave you unfulfilled, and the cigarettes you smoke afterwards will not bring you two closer. Fake News will never change. It’s best you move on as quick as possible, and find someone who deserves you. Someone boring, like objective fact. They’re always texting you. Call them.
We’re driving to Fake News’s house aren’t we? Ok.
Internet Curio #1 – Keke Challenge ends as it should…in death.
While the Olympiad might have been exposed (and reduced) as a two-week sex fest momentarily interrupted by athletics and lies, the internet has picked up the slack, garnering us a whole series of events to compete in.
The Running Man Challenge, The Mannikin Challenge, The Drive-By Dunk Challenge et cetera. They’ve all been equal parts fun and tragic. The beauty of these new tests of one’s athleticism is that if you’re not interested, you can just wait for an event that suits you better.
The latest example of this is the “Keke Challenge”, where participants dance alongside the still moving automobile they were driving moments before.
Internet Curio #2 – Buzz finally confirms that we never went to the Moon. We think.
Buzz Aldrin has a bit of a storied history in going to the Moon, especially when it comes to addressing those who believe he never went. This week, the internet has latched on semantics, taking the following video as confirmation of the entirety of the lunar conspiracy.
According to Snopes:
The child didn’t ask Buzz Aldrin if he ever went to the moon. Rather, she posted the question “Why has nobody been to the moon in such a long time?” to the astronaut. When Aldrin said in reply that “we didn’t go there” and “that’s the way it happened,” he was referring to the fact that the U.S. has sent no missions back to the moon since the final Apollo spaceflight took place in December 1972, not asserting that he had never been to the moon in the first place.
I mean, to be fair, if want a fair representation of what Buzz thinks on that particular topic, well:
Internet Curio #3 – Humanity’s greatest mistake returns…with a fresh new look.
And finally, I’ve got nothing to say on this topic beyond yes, it is true.
What’s the status on Kim’s pointed nukes? Guys?