While you were asleep: Maduro almost assassinated, SA’s welfare sub, Twins marry other twins

This morning, Nicolas Maduro lived through an assassination attempt, South Australia’s welfare problem went nautical and two Americans found love with two genetic copies of themselves. 



Maduro survives assassination attempt, blames agents in the US.

This morning, Venezuelan Presidente Nicolas Maduro was almost erased from history by the buzz of a drone. Per CNN: One of the drones flew over the presidential stage with the intention of being detonated by the attackers, but he said the authorities were able to cause it to lose control and detonate outside the area the attackers targeted. The second drone lost control and fell into an apartment building, where it exploded on the first floor.



Now, it’s not immediately clear who was actually responsible, but the facts are thus: A wave of Colombian far-right individuals have been taken in, with Maduro himself blaming the outgoing Colombian President, Juan Manuel Santos, and clandestine backers in the United States, stating:

“The preliminary investigation indicates that many of those responsible for the attack, the financiers and planners, live in the United States in the state of Florida…I hope the Trump administration is willing to fight terrorist groups that commit attacks in peaceful countries in our continent, in this case, Venezuela.”

SA welfare group likens welfare increase to the cost of a submarine, Elon’s ears start burning.

In the land of hyperbole, there’s nothing greater than a really odd comparison. It just stands out. In the discussion surrounding welfare, the South Australian Council of Social Service (SACOSS) has likened the proposed welfare rise to that of a submarine.
According to the report by SACOSS: “The submarines are expected to have 20 years of service, so at $4.16 billion per vessel, the annualised expenditure on the purchase of one submarine is $208 millon per year (plus maintenance)…this is a straight division, not adjusting for inflation or allowing for potential differing costs between submarines, but the proposed increase in Newstart in South Australia represents just bit more than the annualised purchase cost of one submarine.”
Let’s be honest, yes, the welfare amount should be raised, but evoking social change through the medium of a submarine is a dangerous thing, as it brings unsavoury elements with it.
He already knows where you live, South Australians.



Twins marry twins in Twinsburg and now I have to go and lie down.

In the immortal words of Austin Powers: “Twins, Basil. Twins!”

For whatever reason, presumably, because this is the darkest possible timeline and we’re all evil and deserve to be flayed by the whip of nonsense, one set of twins married another set of twins at a twin festival in a place called Twinsburg.



Now, I’m not sure if the festival went over two days (which you’d certainly hope so), but I have questions. Individuality is a sacred thing, it’s why we all have Facebook, and it’s why we marry people like our fathers. For the (singular) life of me, I cannot figure why twins all dress the same a–, actually that doesn’t matter. Do they swing, or not? Also, is monogamy a trickier proposition when it’s hard to tell which one you’re married to in the dark/through the prism of daytime drinking?

According to Twitter, they even live in the same house. Surely this problem has/will present itself. Answers, please.




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