It’s a particularly private analysis of Fake News this week, as we examine your intelligence, your lifespan and the size of your breasts. Sorry.
As Francis Bacon once said: “There is no beauty that hath not some strangeness in the proportion.” And he’d know, as he created Bacon & Eggs one morning back in 1626 when his arm fell into the pan he was cooking breakfast in.
Fake News is a lot like that (the beauty part, not breakfast), it’s often brutal, ugly and smells questionable, but for some reason, you cannot look away. It’s imperfectly perfect. So, you gawp and screw your neck in its direction when it proudly struts by you, as you wonder what a life shared with it would be like.
But, know that you cannot trap Fake News, you can’t put a ring on it and quietly shuffle it off to suburbia. Sadly, it will remain a love felt from afar, briefly interspersed by numerous bouts of hatefucking. But know this, it’ll leave you unfulfilled, and the cigarettes you smoke afterwards will not bring you two closer. Fake News will never change. It’s best you move on as quick as possible, and find someone who deserves you. Someone boring, like objective fact. They’re always texting you. Call them.
We’re driving to Fake News’s house aren’t we? Ok.
Internet Curio #1 – Hollywood fails to read the small print in crusade against Starbucks.
Back in July, Starbucks announced that they’ll eliminate plastic straws from their stores by 2020. Soon thereafter, the below image hit the streets of social media, showing that Starbucks would indeed be switching to paper straws, but they’ll be wrapped in single-use plastic.
Let’s just cut immediately to the chase here. If James Woods is the sanest voice in this conversation, we should add so many grains of salt to it, so that nothing can ever grow on it ever again. Strangely, the internet and the Hollywood heavies that follow it were wrong on this occasion (I know), as the straws are actually edible treats. You know, if you actually read the label, it clearly states it.
What happened to you, James? You were once about destroying the Videodrome, not listening to it.
You’ve changed, man.
Internet Curio #2 – What came first in your untimely death, the banana or the egg?
The wilds of the internet are much like the Amazon. The deeper you trek in, the further you step away from established civilisation, as organised logic is replaced by primordial insanity, and established medicine is replaced by paranoid hearsay. Of all the things that can kill you in this nonsense jungle, it seems that a marriage of two harmless things becomes extremely toxic (sound familiar?), as combining an egg with a banana is a fatal combination in 2018.
It’s tossycock of course, as the meeting of banana and egg is a long-held culinary staple. For instance, Peruvians everywhere adore ‘banana torrejas’, which combines the devil combination. I mean, Sheezus, internet. You’re better than this. Not by much, but still.
With that being said, the foreboding nonsense of only the bad people are not going to share this because they want to see others die…is very much you. Look out for the Bollywood Ring reboot featuring those two in place of the haunted videotape.
Internet Curio #3 – Internet grows breasts through toothpaste and Youtube revenue.
The normative beauty standards heaped upon women are fucked. I’m sorry for the language, but they are. You’re either not enough or too much of something. The only thing you can do, is not win. Coming straight outta tabloid this week comes the tale of women across the UK spreading toothpaste across their breasts to either stop them from sagging, or forcing them to grow.
While the news story is true, the benefits aren’t. As Christopher Inglefield, the medical director of the London Bridge Plastic Surgery and Aesthetic Clinic, told Metro.co.uk: “This bizarre advice simply preys on the many women who are unhappy with the size of their breasts and who might resort to bizarre ‘miracle fixes’ to find a solution to their problem.”
I can only speak from the male perspective, and our own stupid problem, whereupon length is the goal, and those who don’t have it, don’t have it, unless they follow some outrageously worded ads preceding adult videos. Both of these twin conditions can fuck right off, as whatever size you possess is perfectly perfect.