Fake News is much like bacon sizzling in a pan. Except there’s no pan, and the bacon is made of lies, and you’ve got gastroenteritis. You know?
As Francis Bacon once said: “There is no beauty that hath not some strangeness in the proportion.” And he’d know, as he created Bacon & Eggs one morning back in 1626 when his arm fell into the pan he was cooking breakfast in.
Fake News is a lot like that (the beauty part, not breakfast), it’s often brutal, ugly and smells questionable, but for some reason, you cannot look away. It’s imperfectly perfect. So, you gawp and screw your neck in its direction when it proudly struts by you, as you wonder what a life shared with it would be like.
But, know that you cannot trap Fake News, you can’t put a ring on it and quietly shuffle it off to suburbia. Sadly, it will remain a love felt from afar, briefly interspersed by numerous bouts of hatefucking. But know this, it’ll leave you unfulfilled, and the cigarettes you smoke afterwards will not bring you two closer. Fake News will never change. It’s best you move on as quick as possible, and find someone who deserves you. Someone boring, like objective fact. They’re always texting you. Call them.
We’re driving to Fake News’s house aren’t we? Ok.
Internet Curio #1 – Curved fingernails will kill you, joins a rather staffed company.
Ever since we evolved past our obvious primordial instincts, and shifted our focus from the eating the brains of those we oppose to the suburban mode of warfare, where the act of utilising blood and bone separates the weak from the strong, we’ve made a concerted effort to elevate ourselves from the identical similarities from our flock through hard data.
It’s why your siblings tag you in articles proclaiming that you are the genetic runt because you can’t drive, and it’s why you tag yourself in those memes that consist of a random collection of names with yours within it, proving that you’d make the most dangerous/suitable partner in which to breed.
From the same minds that brought you if your hand is bigger than your face, you’ve got cancer comes the tale of the curved fingernail and the negatives of.
According to the wilds of the internet those with curved fingernails, known as ‘clubbed fingernails’, are more likely to get some sort of terminal illness.
The unison sound of pearls being clutched arose this month after a viral post pushed all of us in the club(bed fingernail category) to make the next available appointment with the next finest internet doctors.
Is it true? Of course not.
A 2008 study in the European Journal of Internal Medicine looked at 1,511 emergency room admissions and found that “Clubbing is present in 1% of admissions in a department of general internal medicine and is associated in nearly 40% with serious disease.”
The other 60% of clubbing cases, the study reported, had no obvious cause but were likely not due to cancer (based on a one-year follow-up of those cases). Studies that document clubbed nails typically look at pools of people who have already been diagnosed with a particular condition and then seek to figure out what percentage of people with that same condition also have clubbed nails. For instance, a 1998 study that looked at 111 patients diagnosed with lung cancer, for example, found that around 30% of those individuals had clubbed nails.
Is it confirmed? Is it, shit. The answer is no, despite a seemingly obvious tinfoil hat brand connection. The experts aren’t exactly sure why it exists, but that doesn’t mean we can fill in the gaps with our rash assumptions. Besides, the internet wouldn’t do that. Would they?
Internet Curio #2 – Thomas Jefferson returns from the dead to misquote himself.
In the years since ascension of Trump, the people who have benefitted the most are the dead. Both because they don’t have to deal with his tripe, but also because they get paid. A great example of this is George Orwell, as 1984 has become a bestseller once more, you can assume those who control his estate routinely have money and whale blubber sandwiches for breakfast.
It’s also a great time to be referenced and them sampled in order to win a pointless argument. You might have been dead 250 years, but for one moment on the internet, you spring from the crypt. For the living, the great thing about quoting the dead, is that you can take it out of context, and you don’t even have to get it exactly right. This week, Thomas Jefferson returned in meme form, defending the freedom of the press, stating: “When the speech condemns a free press, you are hearing the words of a tyrant.”
He never said that, although it’s a pretty decent fake. It’s the Balinese Rolex of his wit, as TJ admittedly had a massive hard-on for the subject matter.
Jefferson showed himself to be an inveterate defender of the freedom of the press (private complaints about instances of the “misinformation” published in certain newspapers notwithstanding). “Our liberty cannot be guarded but by the freedom of the press, nor that be limited without danger of losing it,” he said to the United States’ first chief justice, John Jay, in 1786.
He also later wrote that:
No experiment can be more interesting than that we are now trying, and which we trust will end in establishing the fact, that man may be governed by reason and truth. Our first object should therefore be, to leave open to him all the avenues to truth. The most effectual hitherto found, is the freedom of the press.
So, while it seems like he might have said something like it, which makes it half-true, that’s incorrect. Google properly, otherwise we suffer a reverse that Voltaire prophesied, in that Democracy works 60% of the time, all of the time.
Internet Curio #3 – Objective fact arrives, breaks internet.
I have a vision of the internet future. It’s of this theme park, where the long fossilised remnants of a species of a bygone era live again. I shall call it Objective Fact Park. It’s a working title. This week, we had a piece of this long-forgotten genetic code crawl out of the primordial goop and flop on our plates out of exhaustion.
Below, a label speaks harsh truths, in that if you don’t know how to cook bacon, you should head back to the nearest school to finish the tutelage you abandoned.
Now, we’re not used to this amount of salt coming from a pile of cured meat, but it’s absolutely true. Every American should be of the knowledge regarding how to adequate torch some swine, but again, every American should also know that healthcare should be free and possessing thirty firearms doesn’t make you safer.