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The Prime Ministership: A job worth planning an assassination over

Cec Pitt, one of the greatest natural talents in fake news, discusses the vital role of political assassination in a modern democracy.



Tony Abbott’s announcement that the age of political assassinations was over came as a huge shock. Given his considerable experience in the field, you would expect him to have a special understanding of the inestimable contribution they’ve made to our political process.

It is most disconcerting to contemplate a future where PMs can’t be prevented from serving a full term even if their Newspoll rating is down to an asterisk.

It means that if Bill Shorten turns out to be as big a plonker as PM as many fear we’d be stuck with him for three long years. Albo is potentially one of the country’s greatest talents in political assassination yet his services would be lost to the nation in their hour of greatest need.

Bill, Julia, Tony, Malcolm and Kevin have all made historic contributions to national politics by getting rid of each other.

Just think of the unbearable agony if one of them became PM again and we were left without hope of blessed release for the entirety of a full term.

It is hugely encouraging that post-PM Tony has made such a successful comeback to the field of political assassination. Despite his recent announcement this is obviously a natural gift rather than a fatal flaw.

Peter Dutton made a most promising debut as a political assassin but was thankfully counter-assassinated before he could reach The Lodge. However it’s good to know there’s talent of that calibre available should Malcolm ever make a comeback or if ScoMo turns out to be ho-hum or so-so.

Political assassinations in the US tend to be more terminal than political. There is however a growing realisation that it will take something special to dump Trump because he seems incapable of appreciating when it’s time to shut up and go away. The chances are that Washington could break tradition by offering a contract to Aussie assassination legends like Kevin and Julia. Latest intelligence however indicates that Malcolm is currently in the country with Lucy and they could already be planning the hit.

Just think of the mess Australia could be in today without the intervention of political assassins. The Queen could have been made Lady Windsor AO by Tony and Julia could easily have appointed the First Bloke as Governor General. And what a godsend it was that Tony, Malcolm Julia and Kevin were around to assassinate one another.

It is very disheartening therefore that given the great contribution political assassinations have made to entrenching our democratic system Tony should deem them to be passé.

As long as our system allows us the freedom to elect candidates to parliament destined to become plonker PMs it is only right and fair that it should also grant us the freedom to elect people capable of politically assassinating them.


Cec Pitt is an expert in US politics and is well-connected to many leading septic tanks.


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