Americans enlist puppets to fight Hurricane Florence

With Hurricane Florence set to touch down on mainland America, the locals have reached out to two disparate figures for help. 



When faced with a storm the size of Victoria, it makes complete sense that logic blows out the door. With Hurricane Florence set to touch down on mainland America with a pace of 200 km/h, everyone has gone slightly a bit loco.



Which is fair enough. The people need help, maybe of the divine variety.

Enter Pat Robertson, the Virginian pastor who has taken it upon himself to dissipate this hellish wind, striding the top of his pulpit to proclaim:

In the name of Jesus, you Hurricane Florence, we speak to you in the name of Jesus, and we command the storm to cease its forward motion and go harmlessly into the Atlantic. Go up north away from land and veer off in the name of Jesus. We declare in the name of the lord that you shall go no farther, you shall do no damage in this area. We declare a shield of protection all over Tidewater, and we declare a shield of protection over those innocent people in the path of this hurricane. In Jesus’ holy name, be out to sea! In Jesus’ name!

I mean, it’s worth a shot. If thoughts and prayers can stop gun violence, it can certainly be applied to the natural disasters.



Let’s give him the benefit of the doubt, it could work. Frankly, I’d trust Pat more than the other muppet they’ve enlisted to spare them. Sesame Street’s most preeminent force of positivity and giggling, Elmo, has teamed up with the Weather Channel to raise awareness of the damage natural disasters can wreak on minds as well as properties.



Important work from the squad there (and Gordon hasn’t aged since I was 11, wtf), as awareness is awareness, but I do have to question the person they’ve sent to represent them. I don’t think Elmo has the currency to make us pay attention to the seriousness of the storm. He’s too positive. People don’t listen to overt positivity in times of crisis. They need a voice who has experienced disaster, someone who has lost much but is willing to help out.

This looks like a job for…




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