While you were asleep: Malcolm wins Malcolm’s seat, NRA calls out KKK, the new iPhone details

Well, it’s nonsense again, as Malcolm’s proxy won Malcolm’s seat, the NRA took aim at logic (and missed), and the good people from Apple made their products cheap and indestructible. 



Malcolm’s merkin wins the seat of Wentworth, pushes nation closer to apathy.

As far as politics go in this country, we’re dangerously close to matching the parabolic trajectory of Fonzarelli’s leap. We’re frankly out of fresh ideas, so we’re diving into the deep pool of re-runs. Case in point: the exit of Malcolm Turnbull. Now, pardon the cynicism, but back in my day (2015), spills were honest. You knifed that special someone because they were different to you. As Malcolm knifed Tony, Kevin knifed Julia spooned Kevin. At least it felt different.

This time around…meh. We lost Malcolm but got a man who might just be Malcolm wearing someone else’s skin and jumbling the letters up. Prove me wrong, Scott.

Overnight, Malcolm’s vacant seat was won by Dave Sharma, the nobody otherwise known as the guy that Malcolm picked.



What kind of international diplomat is called Dave? Mr President, Dave is trying to push us to the negotiation table. Dave has some thoughts about the West Bank. Dave has Scott on the telephone.

Also Malcolm, I know you’re unemployed at the mo, but it should have been Lucy and I, not “Lucy and me”.

She’s not a Labrador, bruh.



NRA claims that fictional trains are members of the KKK because they promote racial diversity. What?

For a bunch of people who claim that people are the problem, the NRA sure has a lot of problematic people. The central mimic that the gun lobby tries to put forward is that they’re normal people. They’re just prepared. Armed to the teeth, sure. But they’ve read the constitution like all sane people do. These are the rights they have, therefore they have a right to speak.


The money quote from this clusterboink is clearly NRA spokesperson Dana Loesch’s comment regarding Thomas’ diversity, planting that the show: “literally has no ethnicities because they’re trains.”

I mean, sure? But I don’t see the connection here. Unless Gustav the Railway Gun was part of the Island of Sodor, I really don’t see the connection between Trains and Guns. Also, if the trains are ethnically diverse, why are they wearing the hoods of the KKK? Would that mean that Percy, Thomas and Gordon would stalk the rails until they found Nia, the Kenyan locomotive and well, you know…

Furthermore, and pardon the assumption here, but wouldn’t some members of the KKK also be members of the NRA? Isn’t it a bit of a self-own? Unless they’re saying that racism is stupid, and the white engines should just accept that Engines of Colour can do they same shunting jobs, because they’re fundamentally the same trains under their coats of paint, and we should blow the train whistle of shame on anyone who disagrees.

You know what, NRA? You fucking nailed it.

Don’t be racist, Thomas.



Internet fawns (then gets over) the new iPhone.

Everyone loves the iPhone. Except if you own one. Or if you own a Samsung.

Overnight, we’ve been made aware of the new details of the latest editions, a whole new galaxy of opportunity that you can barely afford until it is made mostly obsolete by the time you can. Lol.

This year, get ready for a device that will not only damage your hip pocket, it will barely fit in it, as it is apparently larger than the Samsung Note 9. Which, if you participate in the phone wars, size matters; which is probably why your partner now sleeps in a different room, and you’ve stopped that nice touch of eating breakfast together, because you can’t bear to see the fiery eyes of that person you love growing colder, knowing that it is your fault, knowing that you’ve robbed this person of their youth, their drive and their lust for life by being that person you thought they wanted you to be.

Also, the new models are rather expensive, with the entry-level model (the 64GB iPhone XR) coming in at $1229.

According to the dorks of the internet, the new processor speed (ten times faster than the previous model, reaching five trillion operations per second) will be a game changer for app developers. This is also a handy social feature, as if anyone in your social circle starts to bang on about the implementations of the A12 bionic 7nm CPU, it’s time for your grossly obsolete 6S to (eventually) find an Uber.



Goddamn it.



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