Fake News is very much that the family house you grew up in, the one that’s now a petrol station. The one with ghosts, spiders and Donald Trump in it.
As Francis Bacon once said: “There is no beauty that hath not some strangeness in the proportion.” And he’d know, as he created Bacon & Eggs one morning back in 1626 when his arm fell into the pan he was cooking breakfast in.
Fake News is a lot like that (the beauty part, not breakfast), it’s often brutal, ugly and smells questionable, but for some reason, you cannot look away. It’s imperfectly perfect. So, you gawp and screw your neck in its direction when it proudly struts by you, as you wonder what a life shared with it would be like.
But, know that you cannot trap Fake News, you can’t put a ring on it and quietly shuffle it off to suburbia. Sadly, it will remain a love felt from afar, briefly interspersed by numerous bouts of hatefucking. But know this, it’ll leave you unfulfilled, and the cigarettes you smoke afterwards will not bring you two closer. Fake News will never change. It’s best you move on as quick as possible, and find someone who deserves you. Someone boring, like objective fact. They’re always texting you. Call them.
We’re driving to Fake News’s house aren’t we? Ok.
Internet Curio #1 – Man burns down house after failing to make his point in protest.
The importance of protest is not your point, but being noticed in making it. I mean, everyone remembers Thích Quảng Đức, the Vietnamese monk that burned himself alive and earned his rightful place on a Rage Against the Machine album cover.
However, despite the application of the same medium, those who set fire to their Nikes to protest the Colin Kaepernick campaign were not noticed. Not because they were wrong, but because their attempts were a trifle naff. As one Twitterati wordsmith opined, “I see y’all burning the bargain bin Nike, but not yo legit shit.”
It’s a fair point, one pair of shoes is not your derma. However, the organs of Fake News was good enough to pick up the slack, as it reported that one Floridian burned down his house after his footwear protest went awry.
According to a satire website that sounds slightly pornographic, Huzlers, planted:
According to authorities, Jason Helms, 26, placed a pair of Nike sneakers in his garage and soaked them in Kerosene before lighting them on fire. The fire ended up spreading to the the garage walls and ceiling before spreading to his actual home. All in protest against Nike, who recently made an Ad featuring controversial NFL star Colin Kaepernick and reading: “Believe in something, even if it means sacrificing everything… Just do it”. “Don’t burn your Nike gear” says police officer Don Greestien, “just send them over to me.”
Fair play though, the image that they knocked up to accompany the article is fairly decent. An interior internet titter for you guys, dudes.
Internet Curio #2 – Bob Woodward’s new book warns of ghosts in the White House in tell-all medium.
If there’s one thing that the Ghostbusters taught us, it’s that the amount of ghosts we should fear, is none. That, and you can get away with oral sex in a family movie, providing that a dead person did it.
However, this fear of the unknown still permeates our psyche, as the rattled chains of ghosts echo down the corridors of power. According to the internet, an excerpt from Bob Woodward’s tell-all White House book, Fear, illustrates the Trump Administration’s fear of ghosts.
Which is fair enough. Considering the amount of fuckery that has wandered the halls, I’d be surprised if a whole gaggle of Presidential ghosts didn’t still hold office. LBJ probably still exists as Moaning Myrtle did, abusing those who used the cubicle he ordered the bombing of Hanoi in. JFK is probably still covering his tracks and banging the ghost of Marilyn, whilst the ghost of Nixon records it for later leverage.
That old democracy house gives me the creeps.
Internet Curio #3 – Resident forcibly evicted from residency without reason or warning.
And finally, yes, this happened. A friendly spider pal moved into the ear of some sap, making his new house a home, winding a web complete the aesthetic.
The person, a man of sixty complained that he could forever hear the sound of drums beating. The drum was the spider.
Shock, and also horror.
Obviously, the spider was removed. Which is complete bullshit.
What about the rights of the resident?