Crowe suggests Oz and NZ merge, but I don’t think they’ll take us

Russell Crowe has suggested that Australia and New Zealand should merge, placing Jacinda Ardern as PM. Great idea, but I don’t think they’ll go for it.



“Not trying to be controversial, just practical”

The words uttered by Russell Crowe in an effort to join Australia and New Zealand as one, hoping to install Jacinda Ardern as the PM.

I mean, sure, putting aside the concept of bridging both countries (literal or otherwise), or what it’d be called (New Australialand? Zealandstraya?there’s a question that remains – will they even take us?

Rusty, bless him, represents a subspecies of Kiwis, a great wave of talented types that we’ve tempted over the Tasman and later claimed as our own. They’re not Kiwis, they’re Australians who just happen to be born in New Zealand. Along with Maximus, we’ve pinched Rebecca Gibney, Jane Campion, Keith Urban, and we’ve even lazily wrapped our arm around Crowded House and the High Priestess of Urban mope, Lorde. We attempted to corral Sam Neill (because Jurassic Park), but he chose the windswept wineries of unzuz, the cad. More to that point, even our most immortal Australian icons were born and raised in New Zealand. Hello to you, Phar Lap, the Pavlova, and Mr Fred Hollows.

It’s not that we were much better, we were just stronger than them. And now, they’ve finally hit moral puberty, and everyone loves them more than us. They’ve changed, and we haven’t. Let’s be honest, we don’t really deserve their charity. We’ve long bullied them and stole their stuff. Crucially, we don’t even look after what we steal.

As evidence to that point, Russell Crowe reacted to him being denied Australian citizenship, saying: “I’ve been voted one of Australia’s 50 national treasures. I’ve even had my face on an Australian stamp, the only non-Australian to do so, apart from the Queen, of  course.”

We don’t even look after those who love us. We’re not very good. Maybe our punishment is to admire them from afar, restlessly sleeping in the bed that we’ve made. If there’s a merger to be proposed, I suggest that we should ask them nicely if we could become the West island in New Zealand’s archipelago.

After all, there’s nothing lamer than the older brother setting up camp on your couch until things get a bit better.



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