While you were asleep: FBI clears Kavanaugh, Tupac still alive (still), your selfie will kill you

Friday morning. Gorgeous. Overnight, Brett Kavanaugh was found innocent by the FBI, Suge Knight 2 photoshopped genius and the selfie was found to be deadly.



FBI investigation finds Brett Kavanaugh innocent of allegations against him, Democrats cry foul.

Well, the question of what Brett Kavanaugh did, is shifting into the realm of maybe nothing, as the Dems have slammed the FBI investigation into the allegations levelled against him has been submitted. The criticism, lead by US Senator Dianne Feinstein (the top Democrat on the Judiciary Committee), is that the report itself was “product of an incomplete investigation”, with the Democrats pointing at the fact that Dr Ford was not quizzed by the bureau.



Nevertheless, that product discovered that there was “no corroboration” of sexual misconduct allegations against Brett Kavanaugh. This ostensibly clears the ascension of Kavanaugh to the Supreme Court, as the results seem to have swung Jeff Flake and Susan Collins, the two Republicans who initially has “concerns” about Kavanaugh’s suitability for the post.

As it stands, the GOP controls the Senate by a large amount of not much, theoretically meaning that those two could be crucial in securing his confirmation to the big chair.



Suge Knight off to prison, but Suge Knight Jr claims that Tupac is in Malaysia.

Suge Knight, the man known all around the hip-hop world as the guy who maybe shot 2Pac, is also known as a bit of a disappointment. I don’t want to flay the dude, but he really should have used his name to elevate the concept of diabetes awareness, he’d be the White Suge Knight to many of us who suffer from Type 2. Sadly, nah.

Also, he’s off to jail after being found guilty of manslaughter.



However, while Suge is gone, another will invariably rise to take his place, and fortunately for us, the name is easy to remember, even if the narrative is hard to swallow. Suge J. Knight, the son of, has a rather seriously silly plot he’s validated through the medium of photoshop and paranoia. It seems that while Pac is still alive, Knight Jr knows where he is. Which, for whatever reason, is Malaysia. The problem is that someone is trying to stop the information from getting out, because reasons.

However, hearsay evidence game be strong, as here is Mr Pac with America’s ruling monarch, Beyonce Knowles.



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He never left us. They’ll be after me soon smh. For y’all tho 💯

A post shared by Suge J Knight (@sugejknight) on


I’m not saying he’s not not alive, Suge, but it’s ok to be upset about your dad going to prison. Want a hug, buddy?



Study discovers that the humble selfie will kill you…and about time too.

Despite governmental evidence to the contrary, we should endeavour to listen to science, as it sort of knows who we are. It’s not a knock, or a criticism of your own lifestyles, but science understands that we’re destructive, singular and ultimately, a bit dense.

As Charles Darwin’s theory opined, we’re all going to be killed, and it’s all our fault. As further evidence to this, we have the social construct of the selfie, one which, despite the obvious dangers of the act, we brazenly think we can take our chances and survive, both with our ego, and sucked in gut intact.

According to a new study, 259 people have died while taking selfies in the last six years. It’s a figure so dangerous, so gaudy, that I believe the guy who warned us against video piracy should immediately be paid to warn us against those bloody things.

You wouldn’t take a sleep on a train track.

I mean, for those of your interested, and if you are, your mother is very disappointed in you…she told me over breakfast.

Ooooooooohhh – nah, but seriously, the main methods of selfie-death were all the fun ones. Electrocution, drowning, being mauled to death by a surly bear, you know, the usual.

The primary mind of the study, Agam Bansal said “If you’re just standing, simply taking it with a celebrity or something, that’s not harmful,” he said. “But if that selfie is accompanied with risky behaviour then that’s what makes the selfies dangerous.”

I mean, duh, and also, what? 

Agam, this is on the internet now, dude, and thusly, will be there forever. I know not every scientist is not Marie Curie, or Louis Pasteur, but is this the kind of thing you really wanted to get into science for? Dude?




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