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Shorten’s wife writes: The thing about Bill in case you haven’t noticed

Chloe Shorten writes exclusively for Fake News on what it is about her husband Bill that encourages people to take so little notice of him.



I was beginning to despair about ever finding the man of my dreams.

But then along came Bill

Who’s not the type at all

You’d meet him in the street

And never notice him

The only reason I started to take notice of Bill was because I became intrigued by how little impact he had on people. That was after I realised I’d already met him five or six times and completely forgotten about it.

I was struck by how skilfully Bill uses the fact that people ignore him to his own advantage. It helped him slip naturally into the role of a faceless man when he helped kill off Kevin, and when he changes his mind about things it never seems to matter because no-one ever takes any notice of what he says in the first place.

It’s just unfortunate that he can’t make his anonymity pay off in the Newspoll ratings.

His form and face

His manly grace

Are not the type that you

Would find in any statue

The whole point about statues is they’re designed to make people take notice so obviously it would be a waste of time to do one of Bill.

The key to Bill’s success, however, is his standing as the quiet political achiever. He unexpectedly became leader of the Labor Party despite the fact that Albo got more votes, he became my husband despite my mother confusing him with the First Bloke and assuming he was my hairdresser, and he’ll make it into The Lodge because people have lost faith in brave inspirational leadership and are keen to try something else.

He’s just my Bill an ordinary man

He hasn’t got a thing that I can brag about

I always find Bill intensely engaging however, even without that group of people behind him trying to drum up attention by nodding vigorously.

I am very impressed that he seems so at home talking to the rich and powerful. It sometimes makes me wonder whether he’d have been better off in the Coalition because Malcolm would obviously have been more at home in the Labor Party.

But Bill’s got so many special qualities I hardly know where to begin. It’s true he hasn’t made his mark in business, a profession, sport or in any of the really worthwhile jobs, but he has a unique ability to convince Australian workers that they’re being treated unfairly and that Malcolm’s harbourside mansion should be compulsorily acquired by the ACTU as an exclusive holiday retreat for union members.

And I can’t explain

It’s really not his brain that makes me thrill

I love him because he’s wonderful

Because he’s just my Bill

Most people I find are at a total loss to explain why they’re going to vote for Bill to become Prime Minister. Perhaps it’s because that after Kevin/Julia, Tony/Malcolm, ScoMo and Trump it would be such a relief to have a leader they don’t have to take any notice of because Sally McManus would be announcing all his new policies.


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