Usain Bolt to play for the Mariners, but wants more money. Conversely, the Mariners want someone else to fit the bill, but won’t play him. I’ve heard less toxic relationships articulated at Centrelink.



To be perfectly frank, the relationship between the Central Coast Mariners and Usain Bolt may be as toxic as it is fitting; it’s certainly of the locale. Bolt is the exotic beau sold on the vague features promised, but despite not being sold on features presented, he’s sticking around. To be fair, they’re not really great for each other. A Jamaican track god playing football in Gosford is a problem of culture as well as an existential one. Gosford has no room for culture, or a foreign way of doing things – which is probably why the Aldi shut down. Who in their right mind has a problem with Aldi?

Nevertheless, the two are attempting to make things work. But much like every romance built on a fling and the vague promises of a working visa and the end of it, no-one is really buying the charade. Earlier this week, it was reported that Usain was offered a deal, one that didn’t exist, but then did exist, but was then found to be wanting on the financial side. Simply put, Usain wanted an engagement stone and got a promise ring from Goldmark. Which I can assume Gosford has one of.

However, Usain is not set to give up on the relationship, as reports now claim that the deal may be done, but only if a mysterious third party comes in and pays him. This is common practice in continental football, which never, ever, ever goes wrong outside those countries. There’s another problem, however. Say that some cash-heavy and logic-light benefactor swoops in (after all, Clive does need another billboard), and makes it possible, Bolt’s coastie spouse, to borrow from the vernacular, really wants nothing to do with him, eh.

In a statement this morning, the Mariners stated that Bolt needed “individual intensive training and competitive game time…the club does not have the luxury to be able to do this in the A-League.”

Subtext: Even if you paid for him, we don’t want him.

Which is odd, as the primary appeal of the Central Coast Mariners is that they have no appeal. They need something to topple their current drawing card, which is a man wearing a life-size sauce bottle who flips people off for lols. I mean, yes, it’s on the level of what your average Coastian constitutes as fuck’n comedy, but it’s not exactly improving your brand. To many, Usain Bolt joining the A-League is a joke. But so are the Mariners. This is the same organisation that saw their only German player in their history dress as Adolf Hitler. It was the team that loved Mustafa Amini because he had a red afro, you know, like Ronald the McDonald. They’re the drunk uncle of the league. Every Christmas they make a scene, but the beer cans they crush with their foreheads was enabled by collective loathing, not support. We clap ironically. We want you to stop.

Bet you can’t jump in the pool wearing these bricks, Uncle Kev!

The Mariners should be fertile grounds for an ill-conceived publicity stunt. They should salt the earth with their own nonsense. Why not allow the greatest athlete of this century to play a different sport, purely on the basis that he should be like real fast, and that?

What is worse, is if Bolt walks away. If Usain leaves, as does the circus that follows him. Which would only leave regret…and probably Ringling Brothers, which I can assume goes great guns. My point is that Usain doesn’t need the Mariners as much as Mariners need Usain. But Usain’s legacy is secured, he’s doing this as his retirement project. The Mariners need something…anything. They’re kind of pushing him away to keep him. They need Usain to make them feel like they matter, that they’re sort of beautiful, in a broken, stunted way.

But sadly, as it is, love often fails.

Wait. Love. 

Can Roger Federer play football?




Share via