May survives leadership spill, our national disease goes viral

Well, Theresa May survived overnight’s leadership spill. However, I am worried that our national condition has now reached foreign shores. We’ve failed to contain it.



As you read this, know that Theresa May has survived. She’s emerged from an internal no-confidence vote, and remain in the post she shall. She will continue in the job for another twelve months, securing the vote by a score of 200-117.



Now, as Australians, the amount of fudge we donate to this issue is minimal. However, it should worry us, and we should feel responsible, as our great evil learned how to swim overnight. We’re great exporters of goods: sunburn, binge drinking, sugar. All good things, but, when it comes to exporting goods to the UK, we’ve not done so well. For whatever reason, the Brits gleefully accept whatever tosh we send, as they believe it to be good. While Neighbours, Home and Away and/or Peter Andre were (mostly) harmless, the fact that our primary growth industry, the leadership spill, has made the trip over, should concern us.

In that country, there has only been established case of spilliosis, with a woman named Margaret succumbing to the virus in 1990. Since then, nothing. Conversely, the disease has spread quickly at home, starting with our very own patient zero, a bespectacled dork named Kevin. RIP.

Ostensibly, this morning’s vote is the genie fleeing the bottle. Long have we been able to keep the more acidic elements of our society within our borders. We are, after all, an island in the middle of nowhere. Our track record is fairly decent in this regard. We may have failed in our endeavour to keep Dannii Minogue in check, but we ensured Antonia Kidman didn’t spread. Paul Hogan snuck under the fence, but Paul Fenech remained. We have extremely strict custom standards for a reason. It’s not to keep people out (although we do that too), it’s to keep them in. Social quarantine.

However, this is an entirely different contagion. As we well know, the leadership spill spreads quickly. Once it enters the stream of thought, it’s already too late. Sadly, we’re living the worst case scenario. Canberra should be fenced off and placed under glass. They well should be studied, so we can learn from the afflicted, and learn how to treat the symptoms. As those who spread the disease, it is our responsibility to stop it. We need to think both on our sins, and of containment.

Politicians of Britain, if you’re feeling elevated, light-headed or like you can take the top job for yourself without the endorsement of a popular vote, please lie down immediately. Do not operate heavy emotional machinery, WhatsApp or organise a meeting room in the middle of the night.

If symptoms persist, please consult your electorate. Not your colleagues.

We can’t stress this enough.



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