Fake News is like ten thousand spoons when all you really need is a lobotomy. This week, we investigate Santa Claus for murder, Fortune 500 for apathy and RBG hanging up her robe.
As Francis Bacon once said: “There is no beauty that hath not some strangeness in the proportion.” And he’d know, as he created bacon and eggs one morning back in 1626 when his arm fell into the pan he was cooking breakfast in.
Fake News is a lot like that (the beauty part, not breakfast); it’s often brutal, ugly and smells questionable, but for some reason, you cannot look away. It’s imperfectly perfect. So, you gawp and screw your neck in its direction when it proudly struts by you, as you wonder what a life shared with it would be like.
But, know that you cannot trap Fake News, you can’t put a ring on it and quietly shuffle it off to suburbia. Sadly, it will remain a love felt from afar, briefly interspersed by numerous bouts of hatefucking. It will leave you unfulfilled, and the cigarettes you smoke afterwards will not bring the two of you any closer. Fake News will never change. It’s best you move on as quick as possible, and find someone who deserves you. Someone boring, like objective fact. They’re always texting you. Call them.
We’re driving to Fake News’ house aren’t we? Ok.
Internet curio #1: Santa Claus kills Floridian disbeliever, boys and girls on the naughty list look over their shoulders.
As every child of indeterminate age knows, if you decide to not believe in Santy Claus, the North Pole’s premier industrialist will appear and very personally readjust your values. It’s why he can fit down your chimney, and it’s for dang sure why he’s trained his ruminants to kill. Why do you think that Rudolph’s nose is red? He’s a killer. He has notches on his sleigh bells, yo.
Despite this, some Floridian decided to tempt fate, screaming out the baleful words, in that Santa “wasn’t real”.
Now, this is where the story gets ugly. Associated Press, who reported the incident, has removed the article from circulation, placing it out of Google range of the average journalist. The meaning is clear. If you control the narrative, you control the truth. It’s fair to say that that person, whoever he was, is now an unperson.
Ho ho ho.
I’d just like to take the opportunity to say that Santa is real, has always been real, and will always be real. Please don’t hurt me.
Internet curio #2: Fortune 500 companies advertise job vacancies through dour meme.
America is a scary place. They use memes for good. Or, at least, they trust it them to change someone’s life…for the better. Yeah, makes no sense to me either. Nevertheless, in that problematic land of gun violence and imitation cheese, titans of their telco industry place adverts in meme form, with job description, or condition, freely spread by whatever it is that allows memes to spread.
Obviously, the numbers are fake. I mean, if anyone thought they were real, the real Christmas miracle would be that person gaining employment.
Yeah, hi. I’m responding to a position I saw advertised. I really liked how it was capitalised, and uh, red, and shared by an ex-schoolmate who is now an MRA. Yes, I believe I am Fed Ex material.
Internet curio #3: RBG set to step down from the Supreme Court: less than reputable source
No-no-notorious. The Supreme Court’s premier meme-merchant/litigious demigod, Ruth Bader Ginsburg recently hit the headlines, with some fairly reputable outlets claiming that the RBG is set to hang up the gavel.
RBG was hospitalised back in November, fracturing three ribs in the process, a spill that ratcheted up the fear within many Democrats, believing that Ginsburg’s injuries were a sign of her declining health, and thusly, forcing her to step down. Even if your face is on t-shirts/legislation, father time is undefeated. The Dems are worried, because they need her to wrestle back control from the Republicans, and have some control over her eventual replacement.
Enter from stage left, a report from the Santa Monica Observer, which claimed that “…Ginsburg was experiencing a recurrence of cancer and had disclosed to her law clerks and to members of the Senate Judiciary Committee members that she would be retiring in January 2019.”
It’s probably worth mentioning that the publication in question also dabbles in conspiracy theory (“Bedridden, Sick Hillary Clinton Sends Body Double to Debate Donald Trump”) alien encounters (“Alien Spacecraft Explodes Over Greenland, Releasing 2.1 Kilotons of Explosive Force”) fake news (“Gov. Brown Signs Bill Allowing Dead People to Vote, As Long As They’re Democrats”) and the moronically absurd (“YouTube Shooter Said to Be the Dwarf in the Jose Cuervo Beer Commercials”).
But there might be some truth in it, as RBG has said she hopes to stay on the Supreme Court until the age of 90.
“I’m now 85,” Ginsburg said to CNN. “My senior colleague, Justice John Paul Stevens, he stepped down when he was 90, so think I have about at least five more years.”
Don’t leave us, Ruth.