What a night it was…sort of. While the two were split down the divide of gender, I was similarly split, between boredom and edu-tainment. Plus, Anus.
Well pour me some bubbles, feed me some grapes and call me a Trash Lovin’ Whore Bag, here are the updates on the Trash Train that is Married At First Sight Australia.
The A Current Affair cameraman and I stood over the bed of Anus and Sam, stalking their smug little sex faces awake. Anus commented that she was “strapped to Sam’s leg” and I jumped back to stop getting slapped with a sex toy for being so nosy. These two have a “mental and spiritual connection”, and I corrected it to just “mental” before shoving popcorn in my gob and exiting their room. #idjustsaymentalconnectionandleaveitatthat #whomovedhershoes
Manic Mel and Dino doing their version of sexy shopping: Mel’s sexual frustration was getting just a tad overproduced for my liking: I understand the 10-year thing but to suggestively stroke a kangaroo scrotum chilled me to my very core. Mahatma rubbed in some aromatherapy oils, lay down in a relaxing corpse yoga pose and cried. #ooohtheyaresoftarentthey #leaveskippythefuckalone
We dashed back to Sam’s bedroom to stare awkwardly like a big perv. Sam was in “thanks it was great but you need to leave TF now” mode and Anus stood there in undies looking well, Anusy. “Why can’t we tell everyone we’re in love? We’re like, #sohot together” and Sam was all “BECAUSE THE PRODUCER JUST TOLD ME SHIT IS GOING DOWN *whispers conspiratorially* I need to oil my hair for tonight.”
“HOLY SHITBALLS,” I thought “Lizzie is so going to bust them and go all Britney c.2007, OMG! HURRY LIZZIE BUST THEIR ARSES,” I screamed while gulping my wine.
Nek minute, the producers did the whole dramatic “Lizzie is going to bust them…oh wait, no she’s just going to shank Anus in the lift…and then…well…she didn’t EVEN FARKING SEE HER”. #wecouldhavehadapropershanking #sobummed #dobetternexttimeplease
Martha and Michael thinking that Anus is a “vibrant young girl”, ’cause she’s so “real” and “open” and doesn’t “play games”: I threw shit at the TV and unfollowed them both on Insta. #illshowthemffs
Meanwhile, Backstreet visited Anus in her cavern, and it was sad that Backstreet had “no idea”. Backstreet was all “you look all glowy/perky like you’ve Just Been Fucked (JBF for future reference)” and they went for a drink. Anus ordered a “cocktail” and OMFG, we get it already you saw one last night. #biggroanfromme
Backstreet then had the audacity to suggest their relationship COULD LAST and maybe they should move in again: Anus did a “pfft” and said in her Hannibal Lector voice “oh Backstreet, have the lambs stopped screaming?” #doyouthinkhesjustscaredofher #chills
Sam and Lizzie: honestly, I will jump TF into my DeLorean, go back in time and beat the shit out of Sam with a wet, unscaled three-day old fish. Here’s his convo with Lizzie:
Sam: You disrespected me/sook sook/I’m so respectful (haha)/I’ve done everything for you *whispers to ACA Cameraman* including touching an Anus.
Lizzie: I’m sorry I messed up. But I was sick, and, unlike everyone else, I didn’t want to create a pox epidemic.
Sam: I was sad *whispers to ACA cameraman* so I grabbed me some Anus. #sohot
Lizzie: OK. I made a mistake. #dramaticeyerollfromme
Manic Mel was getting dressed AND HOW MUCH DOES SHE LOOK LIKE JULIA MORRIS? I shall now call her Mulia (see what I did there? I haven’t mixed names since high school). Anywho, Mulia jokes to Mahatma about getting drunk and getting sex slammed and Mahatma goes into the Hapless Crying Downward Dog position. #prayformahatma #letsjustgetdrunkandshag
The girls night aka “The night I really noticed the lip licking”
Kimmy K Martha walked in and checks the champagne label to see if it was worth having on her shared Insta account #becausethehatistoofuckinguglytopost. Jules, in her bra, decided to tell everyone about Cam loving her and there’s “ooooh’s” and “ahhh’s” …except for Anus of course who started humming Desperado while stabbing her Lizzie voodoo doll.
Insta Jess had to admit she shagged Mick Dundee because EVERYONE KNOWS! Cyrell asked “did he hit the spot?” and sadly the attraction is no longer there.
Insta admits to only sleeping with Mick because “Dr Phil/Mike made me do it.” We flash-backed to the actual conversation of Insta and Mike and we know he didn’t MAKE her, he just strongly suggested it. #nobodyshouldeverlieonthisshow #youknowtheyrecordthisright
Mulia Mel had by this point had enough champers to say she’d had “her fair shares of the penis” and we all went “yeah, but no peen for 10 years cancels it out…everyone knows that” #doublenegativepeen
OMG STOP, COLLABORATE AND LISTEN, IGGY LIZZIE’S HERE!
We all needed to keep quiet to hear Anus and her bitchy chats to the ACA cameraman. Lizzie decided to tell everyone about that time Sam “thumbed my mouth” and Anus yelled “don’t you dis him! You lie! His thumb hasn’t been in YOUR mouth.” Chaos ensued and Birkenstock Jules, in her bra, suspected that “Anus is up to something” FINALLY! SOMEONE IS CATCHING THE HINTS. #ffschickscatchup #nofliesonyourbrastrapsjules
Martha, seeing an opportunity for an electrolytes/premature ejaculation dual promo on Insta, told everyone that Manbun Michael “has a LOT *winks suggestively* of stamina and he’s so quick,” and again, I did a little vom. #sahgross
Anus, being an anus, rolled her eyes about social anxiety with Matt, and Lizzie untied her hair tie and lost her shit: “YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF ANUS”, and launched her pointy fingernails at Anus and I was like: “yeah Girl, you get her and fuck her up…” and AGAIN… NOTHING HAPPENED.
Lizzie stormed off a good metre to the bar giving Cyrell an opportunity to stir the pot. “We’ve all heard that Anus and Sam have been in the sauna together and go #sohot” and Iggy Lizzie was all “I will fuck her up.” #fightfightfight aaaaand…
NADA. It was pathetic. I wanted Anus to go “It wasn’t only his thumb in my mouth” and a full-on catfight like a crappy scene from Dynasty but alas, nothing. Anus denied everything, all the sensible chicks calmed everyone down and mehhh…it was done. #missedopportunityforsomewwf #sahdisappointed #cyrellwillfuckyouup
The boys night aka “The mutual masturbation society AGM”
OK, so this HAD to be a stitch up…Backstreet started off with an “it’s not a boys night without Sam” and my eyes literally spanked the top of my brain. #literallyspankedmybrain
Mike/Dr Phil decided to soothingly tell Mahatma, “You should make sweet, sweet love to Mulia like Heidi and I do ALL THE TIME!” #ohwowhaveyouhadsexmike
Mahatma looked awkward with the “boys” crowd around him chanting “SLAM HER YOU FUCKING HIPPY, SLAM HER” and poor Dino cried and ordered another green tea to go while doing the Crying Cobra pose.
Sam was banging on about Lizzie molesting his thumb “SHE DISRESEPCTED (sic) ME AND MY TINY THROBBING THUMB”, so I started putting the final touches on my DeLorean and Googled the next lightning strike to go back and fuck him up. #preparetofeelthefishpainsam
Backstreet put out the feelers for being the future Bachelor by saying “Sam shouldn’t have said that. I, Backstreet, respect all women and I stretch in the mornings on command for cameras.”
Sam took the opportunity to tell ACA, “it makes me laugh that I boofed his wife…haha, I’m so sexy, funny and oh #sohot.”
Mike tried out his last Dr Phil on Manbun Michael and, well, I zoned out and woke up during the promo for tomorrow night. Ho hum. If there’s no fighting I’m done.
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