- “Summer of glove” campaign calls for the end of Berejiklian-era strip-searches
- The great Australian dream of owning a backyard is dead, but it can be resurrected
- Thoughts on facing the quarter life crisis
- McKenzie awarded a grant to a gun club without disclosing she was a member
- If America implements a universal basic income, the working class will be short-changed
Again, we step into the hellscape that is MAFS. Last night, the commitment ceremonies illustrated how pure love is, and indeed, how vile we all are.
Well buy me a drink, touch my bits and let us ride the trash cycle that is Married At First Sight Australia
We wake up and everyone is still curious about the Insipid Sam and Anus Ines rumour. Have they rubbed uglies? Did they get sweaty in the sauna? Did they really break into Mick and Jess’s room and stand in the doorway?
The producers decide to make Backstreet Bronson look even dopier with another “Anus is such an honest girl and is just so real…much like my authentic gold Rolex that I paid 900 Baht for on that ‘Learn to Strip’ pole dancing course I did in Bangkok” piece to camera.
Lizzie was expressive about Sam putting her down; Hairy Headed Heidi and Up Himself Mike were still fighting (little yawn, must be getting late); Sam was already thinking about breaking up with his Anus #shewantsmesobadcauseiamsohot and Anus was thinking of creative ways to drink in Sam’s facial sweat while licking her fingers menacingly at the camera. We go through a bunch of other irrelevant stuff at the “girls/boys meet up” but it just annoyed me. #takemetothedamnceremony
The Commitment Ceremony (where the experts rush through everyone)
Birkenstock Jules of the flat shoes forever and Cam the caring cricketer
Ok, so we start off with Mr and Mrs I Love You. Some idiot producer has convinced an otherwise normal Cam to jump up on the couch like crazy Tom Cruise—“it’ll be great, trust me!” #stopmakingcamdostupidshit #firstitwasthebighatandnowitsatomcruisething
Verdict: Both stay
Up himself Mike and hairy-headed Heidi
We are reminded of the world’s most unnecessary fight and Expert John explores the continuing “female is broken and scared of commitment” theme. Mike sits there looking smug that Heidi was copping it all and ho hum…they both say STAY. Mike uses his “STAY” to use the word “ellipsis” (…) to indicate that he’s “thinking” which, you know, is just a #powerplay and #nottrue #iamveryseriousandsmart.
Verdict: Both stay
Manbun Michael and Kimmy K Martha
Ok, so these two are killing it on Insta with the couples #sponsorships. Martha and Michael “COULD” potentially fall for each other and will use the same filters down the track.
Expert Trish wants to know if they’ve slept together and Kimmy K Martha did that hilarious noise Luke McGregor makes (when asked an awkward question) before admitting “YES”—both are STAYING.#cantleavewhenthesheetsetssponsorshipiscomingup #lizziegavethemaboredslowclap
Mick Dundee and Insta Jess the lip licker
Oh. Moi. Gawd.
It’s apparent that Insta is no longer attracted to Mick Dundee. Using the old “he told everyone we shagged” excuse to stop catching his spittle on her shirt (yup), Jess blames everything on Mick.
I feel sorry for Mick as he a) apparently dribbles like a newborn and b) is in a relationship with a woman that secretly can’t stand him. Insta stays under the proviso that Mick never touches her and Mick stays as, well, Mick is hopeful, #blesshim. #donttouchme #liplicker
Manic Mel and Mahatma Dino
The kangaroo scrotum from the sexy Asian tourist shop gets another run. I neck my second glass of wine to numb the non-existent sexual tension between them and pray for Mahatma during his stress relieving “touch your own balls” relaxation stretch he does on the couch.
Softening Ning and Tolerant Mark
Ning is warming to Mark as he paid for lunch AND a coffee and usually nobody would ever feed her. #prayforfoodforning
Mark even cares so much that he sends loving “I’m doing a massive turd” texts while he’s on the loo which is #sweetaf.
Louis Vuitton Supreme Ivan’s Sister Cyrell and Non-Ejaculating Nic
These two haven’t had a fight for a good three days so they’re feeling pretty #blessed. Both are STAYING. #cyclonecyrellisjustoutoseabutshewillbeback
Lizzie and Sleazebag Sam
Finally. I poured a new gallon of wine and said “this had better be fucking good” while fisting my popcorn. We are reminded that Sam said “STAY” last time out of genuine concern for Lizzie’s welfare (haha, “dickhead”, I yelled) before Expert John asked, “what positive steps have you taken for Lizzie this week?”
I waited for the whole “I stuck my throbbing thumb into her mouth/started an affair/shat on Lizzie in front of everyone/just remained a prat” BUT nothing came out. #fuckinggetonwithitalready
A producer ran over and stage whispered to Lizzie: “bring up the rumour in a really expressive, authentic, you didn’t really know way so we can get to it already”.
Lizzie, finally seeing an opportunity to prove she’s been right all along asks about the rumour.
Sam responded: “it’s been super hard on me *sniff sniff* you know I was born #sohot so I automatically connect with other people who also say #sohot and well, Lizzie and Backstreet…no offence but they don’t even say it…LIKE, AT ALL. #sonothot. Backstreet is gonna hate me and Lizzie, well, I don’t give a shit what she thinks. Anus and I have so much in common—I mean, we’re both completely shallow, vacuous, moronic and #sohot human beings which is #sohot, right. So yeah, we made out.”
Also on The Big Smoke
- Quick MAFS: I left my heart (and Anus) on the Gold Coast strip
- Quick MAFS: Girls night, boys night…if there’s no fight, I’m done
The Experts call him an “Anus Loving Hemorrhoid” and Sam realises his error.
Sam: “Oooh…ummm, I didn’t shag her and ummm…I can’t even stand the Anus. I regret everything now and the Anus is now my ex too.”
Cyrell screams: “YOU MOFO, the world doesn’t revolve around you! You ain’t KING DINGALING. SETTLE THE FUCK DOWN!” and inspires a shit-tin of memes and followers on her Insta account too. #yougethimcyrell #youcompleteme
The Anus stands up and walks out, saying “nobody screams at an Anus in the corner” and is completely baffled why she’s in trouble. There was awkward clapping as a) nobody knew what else to do or b) they were signalling that SOMEONE (hint hint) may have the actual clap. #notsurebutbothseemfeasible #slowclap
Shhhhhhh everyone, the Experts have said Anus will re-enter the room but only if Cyrell leaves. Cyrell and Nick leave but not before grabbing a glass to press against the door to listen. #doesthatstillwork #loveitoldschool
Backstreet and Anus
Anus sits on the couch with a smug look while Backstreet has a “wow, I was really stupid hey” look on his face. Anus puts on her Silence of the Lambs mask and explains her feelings for Sam.
Anus: “honestly, I knew from the moment I broke into Sam’s apartment and watched him sleeping that we would be together forever. It’s just unfortunate that Clarise and Backstreet had to get in my way.”
Experts: “Did you want to hurt Backstreet?”
Anus: “Who? Oh right, ummm…no. But fuck it, not my problem.”
Backstreet: “Oh wow, that’s really sweet. I forgive you and hate Sam.”
Anus: “See! He’s a dope and Lizzie is just a weirdo so #fuckthem #sonotmyfault.”
Experts: “And what about Sam?”
Anus: “Oh, Sam is going to regret this forever. He can shave his beard off, get a new girlfriend and stuff, but one day, he’s going to wake up and Anus will be there (*puts on the Police’s Every Breath You Take, I’ll be Watching You and gets carried out by security*) I LOVE YOU SAM, YOU BELONG TO ME.”
Lizzie dramatically leaves the room while Backstreet gets up for one last handstand in his undies while saying “um, I still like everyone here. I mean, she was an honest girl and just had to follow her heart you know?” #dontbeafreakingloserbackstreet #hardenthefuckup
Lizzie does the ultimate double fingered bird salute and I relax as the world can now be at peace. We say goodbye to Insipid Sam, Expressive Lizzie, Backstreet Bronson and Anus Ines, but now what?
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