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Cheese will now save your life, apparently

In news just in, cheese will apparently make you immortal, free of all mortal constraints. Is it legit? Who cares! 

 

 

Let me preface this by saying that cheese is essentially crack. Let me also say that I’m lactose intolerant. But this is not about me and me missing my addictions, nor is it running my hands longingly along the dairy aisle, dreaming of love lost, it’s about you-you and your bloody cheese.

It’s also about plastic academics, and their insistence to study the foodstuff until the cows come home and presumably question us regarding why we’re spending so much time discussing their widdle. Nevertheless, we have yet another study about cheese, as this time a collective of dorks believe that it will uniformly vouchsafe you from death.

The authors of the cheese study found “that among US adults, higher total dairy consumption protected against both total mortality and mortality from cerebrovascular causes. At the same time, higher milk consumption was associated with an increased risk of CHD , an association that needs further study. The

I mean, I don’t want to sound paranoid here, but it that sentence doesn’t mo(o)ve me.

 

One of the researchers (probably)

 

But, hey. If they’re allowed to make blanket statements, so can we.

Yes, cheese can save your life, but only if you fashion Jarlsberg wheels into chainmail. Then you can start shit, completely free of repercussions.

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