Last night we trudged through the mire of the MAFS honeymoons. I hate to say it, but I miss the old crew.
Well, fill me full of booze and let me unleash the beast, here’s the Trash Train that is Married At First Sight Australia.
Episode 19: The Honeymoons
Player Dan and “I’m a good girl” Tamara
We wake up to a disappointed Dan as Tamara hasn’t put out. “She’s playing hard to get and has known me for nearly 24 hours which is weird.” #itsfasterinclubs #butiamagoodgirl
Nobody has told Dan that being called an “Intruder” doesn’t actually mean his peen has to intrude on Tamara’s foofa immediately. It’s actually different from the “Intruders” porn movie he just finished watching but it’s so easy to get them confused. #debbiediddallasstraightawaythoughright
The Producers stage some romance to try and get Tamara to literally “open up” and she is all “nah, as much as I’d like to shag on camera with old Mr Pants Man, the answer is no.”
By the third morning Player Dan is walking funny as his third leg keeps getting in the way. “WTF? I showed her I was willing to wear a condom and everything…so much for being an Intruder ffs.”
They receive a Honeymoon Box and the first question is “How many sexual partners have you had” and Tamara is like “ummm, no fuck off, not answering that,” and I automatically start guiltily counting my numbers in my head. #farknobodyshouldeverplaythatgame
We then get the “what’s the hardest thing you’ve been through?” thing, and I nod off during their tears. #sohardbeingasingledadandapantsman
They have a big romantic dinner and Dan is POSITIVE they’ll be having sex tonight but when Tamara eats ALL three courses, I’m like, “nope. Not a chance. You eat like that there’s a chance of a random fart when you’re legs are in the air. No chance of sex for you Dan, ya big mad rooter.”
Nervous Billy and Susie and her long effing eyelashes
Billy thinks it’s awesome to give out compliments every second of the day. In theory, yes Billy. In reality SHUT TF UP BILLY, IT IS ANNOYING AS SHIT! Susie has started developing a nervous eye twitch from all the compliments and, with her eyelashes, I find it really disturbing to watch her slapping the shit out of her forehead. #blinkandknockout
Susie decides to ask Billy “why are you so awkward and such a fucking dweeb?” and Billy isn’t even upset: “Yeah,” he says, “I can see how disgusted you are when you look at me.” WHAT NOW? “Ummm, I sure am,” responds Susie, “but only because you’re a delicate flower with no balls.” Wow, I really thought Nervous Billy was going to become Fuck You Billy, but…nope. #leavemyballsoutofthis #illhuffandillpuffandillcomplimentyou
Susie, realising how mean she’ll look, does some emergency triage on her image: “*sniff sniff* I’m just overwhelmed and need to make this about me…I miss my daawwwwter and I’m like emotional as I’ve got more important stuff in my life than you have *whispers* you little wilting baby dandelion.”
Back to our couples for the promised fight
Well it’s the one month anniversary and the couples are all pumped.
Manbun Michael is painting Kimmy K Martha’s toenails while she holds his testicles in her icy hands; Up Himself Mike and Hairy Headed Heidi are swanning around on a bike; Mick Dundee is rubber gloving under Insta Jess’s direction; Birkenstock Jules and Caring Cam are fisting a chicken; Ning and Mark are redoing their pissy wedding photos,;Mahatma Dino and Manic Mel are…umm…I dunno, and Nic is coming back from the gym with a rumour to tell Cyclone Cyrell. #thatsmorefuckinglikeit #spillplease
OOOOOH, let’s get this shit D.O.N.E., right TF now. OK, so the lame rumour is that Jess told Martha that “Nic had touched her leg” under the table at dinner. “Ohhh, hang on a minute,” I think, “was it with his leg, his peen or his hand?” and Cyrell, being Cyclone Cyrell, starts to rampage like a crazy rampaging rampager.
They go to confront Jess who promptly a) shits herself and b) realises she’s screwed the pooch so softens the goss: “oh, ummm, no I meant he’d just touched my leg to let me know Mick was ummm talking to Heidi…nothing in it *whispers to ACA Cameraman: ‘fark, I only told Martha as I wanted to let her know that I’m hotter than her. I never thought she’d fucking tell anyone’.” #omgnowwhatdoido #lickingherlipsindistress
Cyclone, needing to be medicated by this stage, decides to go and see Martha to sort it out. Martha and Michael, with their whole sexy mini facial thing going on, let everyone in. Nic, who by this stage is shitting himself too, keeps mumbling, “I haven’t done anything, I don’t even know whats happening now,” as if he isn’t sure if Cyrell will shank him if he speaks too loudly. Cyrell gets all heavy with Martha, Martha’s like “wtf dude, I’m better than all of you and I was just gossiping ’cause I think you’re a dog.” Again, Nic poops and tries to speak, Cyrell screams for Nic to STFU and then Cyrell and Martha have a one on one (with an audience) chat. Cyrell, channeling her brother Ivan, unleashes the dragon, the beast, the llama, the turtle AND the crocodile and pushes Martha, breaks her fruit bowl and actually SWEARS IN FRONT OF THE FRUIT. Martha yells “you’re a germ” and we know this shit isn’t done. #fightfightfight #yourmumwillbecrankyyousworeinfrontofthefoodcyrell #tsktsktsk
Also on The Big Smoke
- Quick MAFS: In with the new, out with the Anus
- Quick MAFS: After those commitment ceremonies, I need to be committed
- Quick MAFS: I left my heart (and Anus) on the Gold Coast strip
Cyrell explodes at Nic for not sticking up for her, as she’s forgotten she wouldn’t let him speak. Cyrell, for the ninth time, packs her bags and waits out the front of the hotel for Nic to chase after her. Nic, contractually obligated to run after her, makes sure the ACA Cameraman Dave catches all of his desperate concern. #eyeswereeverywhere
Expert John gets involved and quickly comes to the conclusion that Cyrell has “issues” (thank Christ he’s a psychologist, I would never have been able to tell) and asks her to explain why she’s a bottle of raging issues. “Oooh, it’ll be something deep to make her react like this,” I think, so I fist my popcorn again and wait for the D&M…
Cyrell tearfully explains that she had a guy cheat on her.
Pfffft. “Bugger me,” I think. “If that’s the case, we’re all fucked as Johnny Travers from year 8 kissed another girl behind the toilets on me.” I am now going to start losing my shit on the daily. #1800issues
Expert John tells Cyrell she has to apologise to Kimmy K and, again, I fist my popcorn and wait for it to go D.O.W.N., D.O.W.N., haahaa, this’ll be good.
Martha puts on her lipgloss in preparation for #mafsfightclub and Cyrell walks in all smiley and assassin like. Here’s their convo:
Cyclone Cyrell: I’m sorry that I got angry and I’m sorry that I think you’re a two-faced, vacuous, ball breaking, fake arsed Kimmy K farkin’ wannabe.
Kimmy K Martha: Oh my gawd, you’re not sorry at all. You broke my fruit bowl, you germ.
Cyclone Cyrell: Yeah, I’m not BEEP sorry but John the BEEP Expert said I had to BEEP apologise and I wanted to say it in BEEP front of the food as well.
Cyrell then speaks directly to the bananas/apples/sweet potatoes in the fruit bowl: I’m genuinely sorry to you all for bruising your souls. I was taught better than swearing in front of you.
Kimmy K Martha tries to muster up a pissed off scowl and shows Cyrell the door before telling ACA, “it’s like she’s been brought up in a zoo,” and I think: “Louis Vuitton Supreme Ivan is going to fuck…you…up.” Kimmy isn’t done and saves the year 9 insult used on her and looks directly into the camera, head angled, chin up just right and says deadpan (or maybe it isn’t deadpan, who tf can tell anymore #onecannevertellwhenyourebotoxedtothehilt), “well, if it doesn’t work out with Nic she could have a really successful career as a model with Pedigree Pal.”
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