New night, new partners, same old hideousness. However, last night MAFS was punctuated by the same sexual desperation you feel when the lights come on at the club. That’s something. Right?



For the love of God, will somebody please bitch slap the Trash Train that is Married At First Sight?


The Honeymooners

Ok, so we wake up and Nervous Billy is on the couch as every time he breathes, Susie yells “THERE YOU GO, BREATHING AGAIN JUST TO ANNOY ME!{ #calmthefuckdownsusie

Dirty Dan Done Dirt Cheap has woken up with a satisfied smile on his face as he’s used his peen in Tamara. Tamara has what us girls call “Shaggers Remorse”. It’s a genuine condition when you shag someone you like but know in your absolute soul they’re a player. #cantbelieveishaggedhim #illshaghimagainjusttomakesure


Meanwhile, back at the ranch

It’s all a bit ho-hum: Manbun Michael has prepared a real-life Instagram board of their most liked photos for Kimmy K Martha, Cyrell has met up with Nic so he can arrange her good behaviour bond for the dinner and Jess sets the groundwork for being a Scarlet Woman Wannabe by picking a fight with Mick Dundee: “You’re just a guy that likes his wife, which is shit for me.” #whichissounreasonable #donttouchme

Manic Mel has been busted telling her sister that she thinks Mahatma Dino was a joke/vows were shit/she’s carrying him blah blah while she THOUGHT Mahatma was asleep. #plottwist Dino was only PRETENDING to be asleep and recorded her end of the conversation. Make sense? #youdoknowthateverythingyousayisoncameratooyeah Dino recorded her so he could show her later. Do I think it was wrong? Sure. Is it weird that she’s being filmed on a reality program and is concerned about her privacy? Sure. #stilladickmovedino

Dinner Party – Getting ready

Softening Ning gives Marky Mark a little “look at me” slap in her dress, Jess puts on her best “check me out, I’m wearing a g-banger and I’m a scarlet woman” dress, Cyrell is having a ciggie while contemplating life, Nic is busily growing a moustache for the dinner party and Kimmy K Martha is getting flashbacks over her traumatic experience with Cyrell. I roll my eyes back and call her a beeotch under my breath. #yeahsureyouwereyoushitstirrer #areyoustillwearingamaskmartha


Dinner Party – Arrivals

Birkenstock Jules and Caring Cam arrive followed by Hairy Headed Heidi and Up Himself Mike for the “OMG, we’re all so happy” experience. More pile in and it takes Martha approximately 2.4 seconds to exaggerate the fight with Cyrell, and Jess is all “fuck it, I’m now cast as the slutty villain so I’ll just go along with it haahaaaaa.” Cyrell arrives with her Good Behaviour Bondsman and you can see how hard it is for Cyrell not to shank Martha with a cocktail stirrer. Martha tries to bait Cyrell and meh…stop please, you’re just annoying. #thisissolastnight


The new couples arrive!

The new couples arrive and upon seeing Dirty Dan, Insta Jess and Kimmy K are like “ooooh, he’s so fucking hot/ooooh yummy/oooh my foofa feels tingly/my nips are perky.” #slappersunite

Mike and Heidi do a weird “we’re so happy” piece to camera and Mike does this odd shoulder rub on Heidi that bothers the shit out of me.

Manic Mel and Mahatma sit 400 metres apart at the table and Mel is furiously shovelling food and wine carefully past her lips. Some bright spark asks “are you guys ok?” and of course the whole “you recorded me you creepy motherfucking elephant loving, downward dog stretching, flower-loving hippy{ manic episode comes out.

Mahatma, looking relaxed enough to be in a coma, tries to calmly explain that he was using the conversation as couples therapy. Manic Mel freaks the absolute fark out. The Experts are all like “yeah, he broke her trust, fancy anyone recording someone on a show like this or looking at them through video cameras to critique them or catch them out. It’s so #creepy.

Cyrell apologises to Manbun who accepts her apology as “we’re all human”. Cyrell and Martha have a discussion and call a mock truce which nobody really believes.

Jules and Cam have a fight over the movie Anchorman. I yell “best movie for quotes, I’m with Cam!” Billy then looks at Susie and says “I miss you.” She flashes her eyelashes and says “fuck off you weirdo.” #poorbrokenbilly #ronburgundyforever #idontknowhowtoputthisbutimkindofabigdeal


The slapper situation

Jess with Nic: Ok, so Insta Jess decides that touching Mick Dundee’s peen one time is enough–even though she’d “really tried” to work at her marriage. #noyoufuckinghavent As the new villain, Insta decides to look around the table and go “eeny meany miney mo…catch an unsuspecting hubby by the freshly grown mo” and lands on Nic. I roll my eyes at this development.

Jess grabs Nic for a stern talking to and a flash of her knickers. After declaring her intentions to Nic she watches him do the old “stutter, giggle and rebuff” in horror. After her rejection, Jess simply wipes off the seat where she’d been sitting, sculls a wine and goes back in to look at her backup plan.

Jess with Dan: So Jess gets rejected by Nic and thinks “oh, well, there must be another tasty morsel here, I’m still oh so hungry.” Seriously, you’d think maybe they’d give her a night off in-between dastardly deeds. #jessthenewanus

Chatting with Martha, she does that weird hooker on the corner “hey big boy, we love you long time, let me see your salty balls” look across the table at her new “he’s not a snack, he’s a meal” guy, Dirty Dan. Over she strips to sit beside Dan, and Tamara looks on with interest. #touchhimandyoudie

Also on The Big Smoke

I’m all like “get the fuck away from her Dan” but old Dirty Dan doesn’t really look like he wants to listen and Jess is saying slapperish things like “I could blow a little smoke up your arse” and then actually undoes her dress to get him to focus on her boobs. WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK?

“Get up and kick her arse, Tamara! You only slept with him yesterday with your full farting belly and everything, what what what???”, and Tamara hears me. #thatsitgetoverthereandfuckherup #gotamara

Tamara approaches Dirty Dan and is all “you need to get the fuck up and remove yourself from this mole or I am going to make Cyrell look like a kindy kid on downers. You got me, motherfucker?” Dirty Dan does indeed gets her and goes over to “the boiz” AND JESS FUCKING FOLLOWS singing “Jess and Dan humping in a tree H-u-…m-p-… (*thinks out loud “H”, then “ump“…oh yeah) I-N-G!”

“Ehrmergerd Tam” I yell (she’s now my bestie and I shortened her name to encourage her), GET OFF THE BABY CHAIR AND GET OVER THERE NOW! Jess is making a mockery of your marriage.”

Tam hears me and sits fair on his lap. “Take that Jess you bloody Anus smoke blower.” Tam wriggles around a bit to show the power of her foofa and Jules, Mick and a few of the others look on and plan to hack into Jess’s Insta account and delete all her followers.


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