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Yet more MAFS, yet more commitments made. Last night, words were thrown around, and feelings were hurt. Mainly my own, by this is my penance.
Well inject my thin lips and call me Daffy, here’s the update for episode 21 for the Trash Train that is Married At First Sight Australia.
The new couples move into the hotel: Critical Susie and her big arsed eyelashes hope Nervous Billy will get stuck in an elevator shaft, and Dirty Dan Done Dirt Cheap loves the rug in his and Amy Winehouse Tamara’s new joint. #ibetyoulovealltherugsdirtydan
Dan tells us that Insta Jess was rubbing his leg under the table, and we groan as we know how fucking messy leg rubbing under the table gets on this show. #rumourrumour #donttellmartha
Insta Jess wakes up with Slappers Remorse: a specific condition unique to reality chicks when they get pissed and act, well, kinda whorey on film. Caring Cam is fitting Birkenstock Jules with new Birkenstocks, #heyjuleshowyoudoin, and Kimmy K Martha, well she’s just running full pelt with the #beeotch thing by making Manbun eat his own Woolies blueberries instead of her overpriced—grown by a hippy vegan while wearing all-natural fibres—wanker ones. #areyoukiddingmerightnow #putthembackinthefridgewithalittlesalivaonthem
The “boiz” and the girls meet up separately to have a little whine: we learn that Cyrell just realised LAST MINUTE she has issues, Susie replaced Anus in the Mean Girls crew with Jess and Martha and Dirty Dan mentions that Amy Winehouse Tam wasn’t really giving him much and could be in a friend zone.
“WHAT? BUT SHE LET YOU PUT YOUR PEEN INTO HER FUCKING FOOFA YOU ARSEHOLE,” I yell. Fark, doesn’t that give you an indication that she actually likes you?#dirtydanismakinghismovealready #twatwafflefromwayback
The Commitment Ceremony
Expert John says something about the halfway mark but I use his speech to just refill my wine so #whatevs #didimissanything. Here’s how it goes down:
Dirty Dan Done Dirt Cheap and Amy Winehouse Tamara
Their first week was all romantic and Dan did the “we got intimate really quickly” and instantly made the top of my shitlist. #itsnotalockerroomyoudouche
Expert Trish perks up at the mention of a shaggers festival and asks how “sexually compatible” they are. Tam says “oh yeah” and Dirty Dan is all “meh, tricky situation/not sure emotional connection/blah blah *whispers to cameraman *and I’m thinking of my peen in the sausage lips of that other chick too…fark I love being on this show.” Both stay.
Expert John says this week will allow them to do some “deep diving” and the rug loving Dan mutters “fuck yeah it does.” #rugman #tamalsolooksalittlelikeladygagatooyeah
Softening Ning and Tolerant Mark
They go flower shopping and Ning mentions Mark wants to be deeper in “my skin”. #thatwasntcreepyatallning. Both stay.
Non-ejaculating Nic and Louis Vuitton Supreme Ivan’s Sister Cyrell
Cyrell is too emotional to talk so Nic and his porn moustache run us through the whole leg rubbing/Cyrell pushing Martha/swearing in front of the fruit/blah blah blah. Cyrell AGAIN apologises to all concerned…and, well…fark, it’s just getting a bit exhausting.
Was I wrong in thinking this was sorted at the bail bondsman’s meeting last week?
Nic is knackered from all of his emotional emotions and writes LEAVE. Cyrell writes STAY and, well, you know, they both HAVE to STAY. #causethatsjusthownormalrelationshipswork
Caring Cam and Birkenstock Jules
Ok, so the loved up couple bought pot plants, gazed adoringly at each other and there may have even been a little nip tweaking as they leaned in for a tongue touch. #wasthereaniptweakjules
Mahatma Deano and Manic Julia Morris Mel
Ok, so Mahatma Deano apologises and we had to live through the whole “you recorded me you creepy motherfucking elephant loving, downward dog stretching, flower loving hippy” episode again for drama llama.
Ol’ Manic Mel throws in the whole “you are acting like I slept with your best friend and killed your dog”, and Expert John has had enough: “for the love of Christ, will you two STFU and just tell us all what you’re doing because this shit has to stop.” #craycray
Mel, of course, decides to LEAVE and Mahatma (doing some deep breathing exercises in his anal cleansing lotus flower position) also decides to LEAVE. BUT, not before he reads out a poem he prepared earlier:
There once was a girl named Mel
Who didn’t take getting recorded by me very well
I tried to placate her
So the next guy who dates
Will get to slam her like, umm…really well”
Hairy Headed Heidi and Up Himself Mike
Heidi again accepts responsibility for everything that ever went wrong and Mike and Expert John readily agree. They’re both staying.
Manbun Michael and Kimmy K Martha
Martha needs Michael to take the lead—but only if that means she can still hold his testicles in her icy, unforgiving, expensive blueberry stained hands. Both are staying.
Critical Susie and Nervous Billy
Ok, so Susie forgets that Billy is not, in fact, her baby, Baby. #seriouslywhotfcallstheirkidthat
Aside from saying things to Billy like “let me talk darling/you’re a fucking sook/use your big boy words/you’re too small/you have no balls/you’re strange/man up/you’re weird/stop fucking staring at me etc,” it would seem that she quite likes the idea of having a real life punching bag like Billy to play with, which is sweet. #kapow #domyboobslookokwhenisaythis
I yell “tell her to fuck off Billy” and thankfully, Expert John hears me. “STFU Susie, you and your obnoxious toxic mouth are just doing my head in,” which, you know, was #fair. #whatwouldbronsonsay
Expert John starts using his big boy words—“what are you contributing in this relationship?”—and I throw some popcorn at the TV and yell “farking nothing John! Tear her apart” and Susie whispers to the ACA cameraman “get fucked, I don’t think I’m better than this little twerp, I KNOW I’m better. I’m just going to stay as I need to meet a footballer and get some more followers on Insta.” Both are STAYING and even Expert John is like #wtfcriticalsusie #whyonearthwouldyoutwostay.
Insta Jess and Mick Dundee
Ooooh, it’s going to be on like Donkey Kong on CRACK!
Mick Dundee has to sit higher on the couch as his balls started to grow every time he spoke. Mick was all “I get nothing from her/I’m miserable/the sexual predator thing was fucked” and then he goes on to explain that Insta is the common denominator in all the shitty gossip.
“You tell her Mick!” I yell, “at the next B&S Ball you are going to get absolutely freaking polished!” #countrywomensassociationpinupman
Also on The Big Smoke
- Quick MAFS: Unpacking the whole slapper situation
- Quick MAFS: Cyrell reasons with fruit, everyone goes bananas
- Quick MAFS: In with the new, out with the Anus
- Quick MAFS: After those commitment ceremonies, I need to be committed
Then Mick pipes up about the Slapper incident from last night and I get excited as I have the whole next scene worked out: he is going to call her out about trying to rub Dirty Dan’s third leg under the table, Nic will jump in with “she tried me first”, Cyrell will release the beast and go funky town on Insta’s arse, the Experts will scream for security and I’ll be yelling too while my husband tries to restrain me with a “calm the fuck down, you psychopath.” Ahhh, it would have been gold. #donttellmetocalmdownthisisgold
Alas…Mick just does a casual mention about Dirty Dan and Insta says “yeah, he is attractive but you shut me out,” and I’m like “WHAT IN ALL FUCKERY? WHERE IS MY GOD DAMNED DRAMA?” Mick gives Insta a little bitch slap by saying he “deserves better” than her but…meh…can’t say I’ve ever been happy without a real climax.
Mick writes LEAVE and Insta, still keen to get it on with Dirty Dan and increase her followers, licks her sausage lips and writes “stay”. #takethesausagesoffyourlipsitsnotafuckingbbq
You can check out more MAFS wraps (and much else) at Rockstar Mums Drink Champagne on Facebook.