Quick MAFS: Insta Jess meets the fam

Last night, the guys brought their prizes home to meet their respective families. It’s MAFS, so you know that it wasn’t delicate.

Well show me a flaccid peen and let me jump the hell off the Trash Train that is Episode 22 on Married At First Sight Australia. It’s homestay week and the men are pumped about taking the camera crews and their brides home to meet the fam.

Insta Jess and Mick Dundee

They arrive at Mick’s farm and walk up the driveway as Ubers don’t do door to door in Gympie. Insta, an experienced horn-spotter, freaks out when she sees a sheep with horns and runs like a Gumby in her black, shiny, “I’m on a farm everyone!” gumboots. #whensheepattack

Insta makes herself uncomfortable in Mick’s bed and we discover he exaggerates the size of things—“It’s a king bed!” and Insta is all, “nah, I know beds, it’s a king single.” #qualitytvrightthere #yourmumliedtoyoumick

Insta runs out to the balcony to discuss her initial thoughts on Mick’s farm (“it’s a shithole”) and I’m al “pffft…mumble, mumble…the Country Women’s Association are going to hunt you down, throw their handmade scones at you and run you the fuck out of town. #countrywomensassociationontherampage

Ning and Forever Single Mark

Ning arrives at Mark’s flat and sadly doesn’t mention the child’s whiteboard in the hallway. Seriously, I have to know why it’s there. Someone please explain. #isthatwhereyoudrawtheroadmark #isitforsinglemanssolitaire

We discover what it’s like to be Mark: he only plays away games when he shags, body pillows are revolutionary and kinda like using a chubby sex doll, he keeps beer pong cups to use for entertaining and he has a new found affection for white lily and bamboo candles. No offence you two, but meh…they reminisce at the wedding venue and kiss on dry land so Ning can’t kick water in his face again. #definitelynotonguethere #didntlookasdisgustedthistimethough

Louis Vuitton Supreme Ivan’s Sister Cyrell and Non-Ejaculating Nic

They arrive in Newcastle and Nic shows Cyrell that Fortnite is his favourite game. Nic brings up the war to send Cyrell into a fluster in preparation for getting an apology to his family. #enoughalreadydude

Cyrell puts on an appropriate “meet the family in the backyard” white, skin tight/boobs-out dress, irons her hair, contours in the dark and heads off to meet mum Cathie, stepdad, an Uncle, maybe a brother/cousin and two ladies hammering drinks in the background on the couch. #auntymargejustsitonthecouchwithauntytinaandstfu

Cyrell apologises AGAIN, the relos all look on sternly and good old Cathie steps up with a forgiving “that’s the best way to be sweetheart, honest.” We all hug while the ladies on the couch light a ciggie, drink some more wine and heckle the cameraman. #whydidntyoufilmusproperlyyouknob #wehaveopinionstoo

Critical Susie and Nervous Billy

For the love of Christ, I just can’t do these two. Critical is still recovering from the commitment ceremony where the Experts had the audacity to tell her she was wrong: “Bunch of Backstreet Bronson’s words they are,” she mutters and Billy does a little pee in his pants when she eyelash-flashes him for breathing.

Susie sincerely (haha) says sorry about her behaviour by saying “yeah, umm I miss my daaawter Baby, and ummm…whatever, I’m not really sorry you’re a dweeb so there.” #iamsomuchbetterthanyou #justblinkandknockyourselfoutalready

Billy wants to STILL impress Susie and takes her to his friend John’s house. John and Billy became friends while taking photos of each other and ummm…I’m not saying a fucking word about this. Nek minute, John has made a nude calendar of various men to raise money for Mental Health. Awesome right? Billy has his peen out in all the photos and is Mr January, Mr March, Mr May, Mr June, Mr September, Mr October and Mr December.

Nervous Billy nervously says “you need to appreciate a flaccid peen” and…no Billy, we really don’t. #flaccidpeensmattertoo

Also on The Big Smoke

• Quick MAFS: Last night’s commitments unpacked/where’s my climax?
• Quick MAFS: Unpacking the whole slapper situation
• Quick MAFS: Cyrell reasons with fruit, everyone goes bananas
• Quick MAFS: In with the new, out with the Anus

The Dramatic Lies of Coffee Sweetener and Surfing

Ok, Billy says he has sweetener and can’t find it. #dramaticlienumber1

Taking Critical to the beach for a surf—so Susie can show her arse—Billy mentions he hasn’t been surfing for months. “WHAT?” Susie yells, “you told me it had been two years!” #dramaticlienumber2

Susie, finding an opening to monster Billy, boards the Tirade Express on it’s way to Rampage Town and nails him. We quickly side with Billy as, come on, who hasn’t told a little white lie—“OMG, of course I did, you probably just didn’t hear me because I was muffled in the pillow”—like that? Hmmm? #iveneveractuallysaidthatoneofcourse

Anyhoo…Billy, taking the green bath towel, goes off to have a little cry under a tree. Now, let’s be honest, I think we all know that Billy is a tad too gentle to be on this farked up reality show. #billydontbeahero #poorlove

Susie goes to bed after checking her Tinder matches and wakes up doing the same thing before walking out to monster Billy some more. We talk more about DRAMATIC LIES PART 1 AND 2 and we know that Susie isn’t going to let it go. Billy tries to stand up to her and whimpers “You don’t listen, you’ve been a big meanie yada yada yada” and Susie says “I’ve been nothing but fabulous to you, you bloody sooky la-la.” #christimagineifyouwerebeingnastysusie #babysmomma

Then Billy, taking courage from his Chaka Khan and Aretha Franklin record collection, remembers the words to Aretha’s Respect and tells Critical Susie to “leave”. #respectfindoutwhatitmeanstome #billygrewsome 👌

Birkenstock Jules and Caring Cam

The hat couple arrive at Cam’s place and we all know from that famous saying “the couple that have the same shower heads stay together,” that they’re a perfect love match.

We say hi to Cam’s parents and I get platter and champagne envy. Cam’s mum shows Jules their shrine to Cam and sits her down to show her his 4,183,212 baby photos.

Cam and his dad talk about love and while they’re distracted, I snaffle a glass of their champers and some crackers while listening to Cam tell the story about his massive hat when he declared his love for Jules. We go in for a group hug and Jules yells out, “I’m up to the 1,000th photo Cam and you were only 4 days old! *whispers to cameraman* please help me.” #thiscouldtakeawhile #weloveoursonjulescanyoutell #crackingfam

Hairy Headed Heidi and Up Himself Mike

Ok, so we head back to the Goldy to check out Mike’s long-life milk and to sample Emotional Yoga. Is someone pulling the piss, is this an actual thing or did Mike lose a bet with Mahatma Dino? #crygigglelaughandstretch #downwardtears

Mike shows Heidi around and does the “if you need anything, just let me know” hotel concierge thing and asks for a tip before taking her to his parent’s house. #justacoupleofbuckswouldbegreatcheers

Mike’s dad Rob knows that Mike lives on planet Mike and explains to us that Mike has “no commitments, no kids and no mortgage, which is kinda the life that a lot of men would want.” #wtfrob

Heidi impresses everyone simply for the fact that she’s stayed with Mike for this long. #areyoureallystayingwithmyson

Kimmy K Martha and Manbun Michael

Michael takes Martha to his primary school and leaves her with four of his students. Seizing an opportunity for goss, Martha discovers the scandalous news that Michael wears “shorts all the time” and even wears a beanie. Martha isn’t sure about Manbun’s faaarshun choices and I yell “FFS, HE’S A DAMN SPORTS TEACHER YOU QUEEN DING A LING.” They bounce some balls and meh… #evenicandofuckingstarjumpsmartha #ballbouncermartha

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