- Victoria, despite everything – we’re almost through this
- The $3.5 billion investment in the NBN is not an upgrade
- TikTok’s latest trend involves straightening your own teeth, dentists revolt
- Our citizenship test relies on the vagaries of ‘Australian values’ and multiple choice
- “We respect the tradition”: Police offer weak rebuke over Shore School muck-up day
Well, the beaus of MAFS continue enduring the hellscape of normalcy, seeing the lives of the dudes outside the landscape they know them in. You know the one, the one that promises drama but doesn’t deliver.
I know I’m an absolute freaking Drama Queen but OMFG, the trash on the Trash Train of Married At First Sight Australia Episode 23 put me to shame. It’s still “homestay week” and it’s going off.
Amy Winehouse Tamara and Dirty Dan Done Dirt Cheap
Dirty Dan takes Tam to meet his mum and sisters who instantly dislike Tam for not being a brazen hussy and pawing Dirty Dan under the table.
The cross examination starts off with “are you in love with Dan?” from Gabrielle (mum), and is followed by an inappropriate “do you find him sexually attractive?” by the sister doubling as Expert, Trish. Tam replies, “I want my man to ‘froth me’, you know, the type of guy that doesn’t try and put his peen in someone’s sausage lips at a dinner party.”
The Gabster is all “fark, you’re insecure and not good enough for my son!” #wereyoufrowninggabster #andmindyourownfarkingbusiness
The Gabster tells Dirty Dan: I don’t think she’s right for you. You need a woman that adores you in a warm, affectionate environment like the one you grew up in.
Dan considers The Gabster’s advice and, right after shagging Tam says: You’re not in love with me after two weeks, which is weird af. You should shower me with affection to show appreciation of my peen. And BTW, I’m not into you at all.
Tam: Ummmm, so you’re not feeling it but you came on to me and we just shagged. WT?
Dirty Dan: Oh yeah, but that’s different. I had a woody and being a Dirty Dan, I needed to put my peen in someone’s foofa *whispers to ACA cameraman* “and Insta’s not around so…”
CinderTam: I nearly nervous pooped for you! #getridofthesausagelipschaser #hisbailwillbesettoohighanyway
Louis Vuitton Supreme Ivan’s Sister Cyrell and Non-Ejaculating Nic
Ho hum…I’m getting bored af with the flashbacks of Cyrell apologising, so just stop it already.
They wash Nic’s dog (Cyrell cleans its butt—without seeking advice from Insta), go rock climbing, have a cuppa and are now moving back in together. #whendoesthemomakeanappearanceinaporno
Susie and Billy
Billy is annoyingly apologetic about kicking Susie out and I’m like “REMEMBER YOUR ARETHA FRANKLIN ALBUM FROM LAST NIGHT, BILLY! R.E.S.P.E.C.T! FAAAARK!” but nah…Billy tells us he needs to stop his fibbing and will “shift his values” for Critical. They decide to go back to the good old days when Critical just abuses Billy for breathing. #goodtimes #dontbeatmewithyoureyelashes
Hairy Headed Heidi and Up Himself Mike
Mike takes Heidi out for a couple of sherbets and decides to mess with her. They talk about potentially having a child called “CHILD” which is kinda like having a baby called Baby. #onyasusieitscatchingon
Mike then says: You know I’ve never told you I love you…Does that worry you?
Heidi: Nahhh, it’s only been five weeks so ummm, that’s cool.
Mike: Well I’m not going to tell you I do…but maybe one day, if you’re really fucking lucky and continue doing things I approve of, I could MAYBE love you.
Mike, with zero intention of leaving Planet Mike, can’t see that Heidi is seething internally. “This is unreal,” he says. “You’d have been an emotional wreck before but now I’ve trained you to accept my behaviour. Well done you!” #whatslovegottodowithit #comehereandletmerubyourshoulder
Birkenstock Jules and Caring Cam
Ok, so with every happy relationship comes an unwarranted neurotic phase, and Jules is in it. She goes down the “you better freaking confirm everything’s perfect while you’re dunking your strawberries” road (hey, we’ve all been there) and Caring Cam is…well, caring.
They do the “you complete me” scene from Jerry McGuire and Cam does another Tom Cruise love jump on a park bench. #youcompleteme #birkenstocksforever
Kimmy K Martha and Manbun Michael
Manbun organises a romantic dinner after Martha releases his balls long enough for him to make a reservation.
Martha’s happy that Michael is “the real deal and isn’t fake at all” and isn’t “wearing a mask”. I literally spray my red wine out of my mouth and make my couch look like a murder victim. #areyoufuckingserious #takeyourowndamnmaskoffmartha #cleaningcostsareonyoukimmyk
Insta Jess and Mick Dundee
For the love of Christ, will somebody remove these two from first class on the Trash Train?
Insta gets into the farming spirit by showing her foofa lips in the shorts she borrowed from Warwick Capper and spends her day closing gates, chasing sheep and avoiding chicken shit. #ermergerdtheresshiteverywhere
The pair head into town to see Dundee’s family who hilariously have a bbq and give her sausages. #itisabbqbutstillgetyoursausagesoffyourfuckinglips
Leisa (sister) and Annette (mum) take the hotel-slipper-wearing Insta inside so she can bitch about Mick in a nice way.
Insta forgets to mention the whole “I’ll blow up your arse, Dan” comment from the dinner party, hitting on Nic, finding Mick Dundee a bad shag and how she can’t stand their son/brother, but she DOES remember to say that Mick is a crap communicator. 🙄
Mick’s ladies agree with her and we run out to see Mick and his Dad speaking telepathically while drinking beers. #silenceisgolden #howsthesheepson #howsitgoing
Also on The Big Smoke
- Quick MAFS: Insta Jess meets the fam
- Quick MAFS: Last night’s commitments unpacked/where’s my climax?
- Quick MAFS: Unpacking the whole slapper situation
- Quick MAFS: Cyrell reasons with fruit, everyone goes bananas
Now here’s where the drama takes off…but, of course, we don’t get to see the mountains getting made into molehills. Here’s how I think it would have gone down:
Mick: Hey remember how drunk your dad was at the wedding, what a fuckhead your brother Rhyce was and how your sister and your friend were acting like a pair of twats?
Jess: Well yeah, they were and I agree with you 100% BUT they’re my family and you can’t say mean things to me like I do to you.
Mick: Oh, Heavens to Betsy, sorry Darl, I was just making an accurate observation like the ones Rock Star Mum does. Hopefully they’ll change my mind at your homestay. #blowingsunshineupmyownarsenow
They head over to Broxie’s house for a catch up and if we’re talking about knob-jockeys at a wedding, that whole Viagra/furious masturbating speech is kinda up there for dick moves too, Broxie. #furiousmasturbatormickdundee
Making amends for his wanker wedding speech, Broxie cleans up all the bird poop on the balcony and the bathroom so Jess can have a clean room for her crying scene. #onyacobber #noshitintheredarlcryaway
Insta sits down with Broxie then immediately jumps up saying “I CAN’T BE FAKE ON CAMERA” and I laugh so much I do a little wee in my knickers. I mean I get it, you can shit-can your own family but to be fair, nobody else should…PARTICULARLY if you need to start a fight to excuse an impending affair with Dirty Dan. #cunningplaninsta
Broxie listens to their raging argument and thinks “fark, this is sensational, just wait till the next B&S Ball, I’m going to have a choice of so many of Mick’s leftovers.” #areyoudonewiththatonemick #getyourendingetyourfriendsin
We hear Insta yell “you’re fucking disgusting/I hate you/I had my cards set on you (ummm nope)/you’re sooooo disrespectful” and meh… #isntithardtosaydisgustingwiththoselipsinsta
Mick does the only thing he can think of: he walks away, grabs a beer inside and says to Broxie “how are you cobber? Happy Days. Sorry about that…when do you think the rain is comin’?” #thestormisheredarl
Until tomorrow night when I get to use the word SLAPPER repeatedly and no one will get cranky with me. #slappersunite
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