After a Sydney man was fined $112 for desperately coveting a service station pie, the legendary folks at the legendary Harry’s Cafe de Wheels would very much like to compensate him. In pies.
Despite the empathetic vowels of Daryl Kerrigan, the law is not iffy. It is a rigid system of objectivity, a set of rules to ensure that our most primordial urges are kept in check. That, and it can also be an ass, and also exist entirely for its own entertainment.
To honour the mysterious individual who coveted a petrol station pie but received a fine instead, we’ve teamed with the legendary Harry’s Cafe de Wheels to compensate the person crushed under the nonsense wheels of justice. If you know, or you believe you are that person, please get in touch via their Facebook page.
In the interim, we thought we’d take a lively/angry spin around the pillars of salt the Australian legal system has constructed.
Law #1 – Finders keepers is a legitimate law
Under the law of Res Nullius, anything found or abandoned is nobody’s property and belongs to the first taker. This also applies to errant body parts. Unsure if this means you can take them off before claiming it as your own, but the law is all about discovery.
Law #2 – If you can catch a camel, you can take it home
The outback is a place of many superfluous things. A dress made out of thongs, a car from a movie, a desire to do acid regularly to distract yourself from the fact that you made a mistake in moving there (Darwin, represent!), but our great red itchy blanket also possesses the world’s largest feral Camel population. According to established circumstantial googling, if you domesticate, kill or marry a camel, the government is cool with it.
Law #3 – You can be fined for the volume of your dog’s bark
Which would certainly bristle the addled dog owner, the one that doesn’t walk, train or pay attention to it, and is far too busy shouting at Today/Tonight or laughing at the unlucky battlers punished on RBT. It’s a bloody outrage, you are.
Law #4 – You can change your lightbulbs, but not your shower head
Rental rules in Victoria state that of the many things you cannot have, dealing with the sneezing dribble of your head is something one has to live with, lest you formalise paperwork and landlord approval. Who has the time or inclination for that? We’re standing in a towel over here.
Law #5 – The dead can’t sue for defamation
You know, because you’re dead. BecauseBecause defamation laws are considered entirely personal, your family and friends can’t defend you if your reputation is damaged, because, dead. Try it out. My uncle Kevin was a waste of space in life, and he certainly is in death. Jog on, Kev.
Law #6 – Jaywalking is a thing
In NSW, if you happen to stroll in the face of the red man or cross “within 20 metres of a marked pedestrian crossing”, it’s on. Slight editorial note here, but I witnessed jaywalking the other day, by a brazen angry chap, his crime called out by a friendly member of the constabulary, who informed he was guilty of that crime, of which the angry man told him of all the ways he can insert his genitals into his own carapace. So, maybe it isn’t. Maybe one should test it.