TBS Newsbot

Millennials can’t handle apocalypse, call police on Facebook

We millennials have longed for an opportunity to prove how well we’d handle the apocalypse. Today, we failed.



It seems a condition of my generation, but we seem to yearn for an opportunity to prove ourselves in some sort of apocalypse. Our television programs illustrate it, our video games prepare us for it, and our handy-dandy clickbait pieces seem to suggest that we’d be able to handle it.

However, it seems we failed. Because our response to the end of the world seems to be calling the police. Let me explain.

Today, as we all know, Instagram (and particularly Facebook) are down. No sharing, no posting memes, no business to be done of any sort.

This horror clearly overcame so many of us, that it forced the truest pillar of our logic, breakfast television, to air a plea to stop people from calling the emergency services…over Facebook.



Clearly, it is the end of times. Clearly, I blame Zuckers and his cabal. Obviously, we’re dopamine addicts with a very serious dependency. Frankly, I find it exceedingly irresponsible to just push us under the wing of cold turkey like this. I mean, what are we to do now? Twitter? Reddit? Have an actual conversation? Bah.

Today’s crash also comes with a side of paranoia, as it comes a day after Google reported worldwide outages. For as long as I can remember, we’ve all gleefully looked towards the apocalypse. Every awry Mayan prediction, or every asteroid that misses us, we moan in unison complaint. Why can’t be all be dead nowww?

Frankly, I’m glad this isn’t the end, because I don’t think we can handle it. How about we be adult about it, and do what our parents did – hide under a flimsy wooden desk and repeat the Lord’s prayer until the communists atomised recess.

I mean, it’s better than our apocalyptic pledge, in that we require photographic evidence, or the instance did not occur. Apocalypse not now.



Related posts