If you’re still unsure which way you’ll vote today, we call bulldust. We know exactly who you’re voting for, and we have the test to prove it.
Well, it’s election day, and much like you, we have no idea who we’re going to vote for. Because no-one has the time (or inclination) to read the fliers they hand us, or god forbid, do our own research, we’ve decided to give you a leg up. Essentially, we’re ripping off Blade Runner’s Voight-Kampff test, because I watched it last night. It’s not a test, it’s just a series of questions. As reaction times are a factor in this, please answer quickly without thinking too much.
Someone gives you a calfskin wallet for your birthday. How do you react?
A) You immediately transfer your money to it, less the cost of your veal, and spend the car trip home talking about it.
B) You accept the gift warmly, but spend the car trip home criticising that person who gave it to you.
C) You refuse the gift on moral grounds, but sneakily check if there was money in it.
You’re at a party, you don’t know anyone. In an effort to make friends, you:
A) Do nothing, your important friends will be here soon.
B) Criticise the group of people out of earshot for lols.
C) Loudly explain the kind of selfless empathetic person you are through your views/accomplishments/choices and how you’d already be friends if they did those things.
While walking along in desert sand, you suddenly look down and see a tortoise crawling toward you. You reach down and flip it over onto its back. The tortoise lies there, its belly baking in the hot sun, beating its legs, trying to turn itself over, but it cannot do so without your help. You are not helping. Why?
A) I’m waiting to see if the lazy tortoise can right itself first.
B) I’m going to wait until someone else turns up, so they can see me turn it over.
C) Why what? We need to make sure this kind of thing never happens again.
You’re reading a magazine. You come across a full-page nude photo of a girl or guy. You show it to your husband/wife, who likes it so much, he/she hangs it on your bedroom wall.
A) Admire the work of the great potter upstairs, consider getting a tattoo of that person’s body with your spouse’s head.
B) Protest, claim that is somebody’s wife/mother/girlfriend/daughter.
C) Protest, claim that that person is a person, but add the caveat that that person has the right to monetise their own body.
Mostly A: The Liberal Party, One Nation.
Mostly B: Labor, Shooters Fishers Farmers Party.
Mostly C: The Greens, Keep Sydney Open, Animal Justice Party