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This sucks: China’s $13,000 ‘sperm extractor’ comes with a load of problems

For whatever reason, the internet is discussing a $13,000 robot “sperm extractor”. Yes, it exists, and yes, we’re going to be in a lot of trouble when they gain sentience. Not like that.


The world of male-orientated robo-kink is a highly populated forest. For those who aren’t keen on the automated fellatio machine Autoblow 2, may we suggest the oscillating “guybrator.”


For whatever reason, this morning, a week removed from the death of Jesus, we’re talking about the SW-3701 sperm extractor, a love machine that will set the discerning medical administrator back $13,000.


However, this is no new thing, as those familiar with the more “medical” corners of the internet will know that this is not news, as it came to be back in 2011, manufactured by a Chinese medical firm for the sole purpose of putting the patient’s firm in it for medical purposes. According to the description on its website, via “massage, twitching, sucking, vibration, etc. upon the human penis .” Curiously, its Alibaba listing also says it’s for “urine collecting.”

Now those of you who have had sex (and well done you), will know that the human vagina isn’t made of plastic. Not a problem, though as the user can modify the speed, frequency, and even the heat of the device. If sir requires further goosing, you can also use the headphones and a small video screen attached to the device at eye-level to browse the comments of your preferred adult imagery website. EJ Dickson of The Daily Dot put it thusly: “The SW-3701 sperm extractor looks about as sexy as it sounds: The best way to describe it is if the original desktop Macintosh had a threesome with HAL 9000 and a really angry Fleshlight. But even though the SW-3701 is only slightly more aesthetically appealing than, say, the Autoblow 2 (which has been compared to a slutty version of R2D2), its form is far less important than its function, which is to collect sperm from men hoping to conceive a child who may be too performance-shy to produce a semen sample for doctors on demand.”

Clearly, the device exists for those who are required to supply a sperm sample, but are either too shy, anxious or embarrassed to perform. Which is exactly what it is, guys, performance. No pressure. Obviously, this machine does all the work for the individual in question.

I do have a question, though. If you’re too embarrassed to bash one out in a hospital ward, knowing that the doctor in the next room knows exactly what you’re doing, and will be expecting volumes of your private matter, how does placing your tadger into a moist hole in a flirty bin serve as a more graceful option?

You know what, I don’t want to know. What I do want to know, is if they deliver internationally. I happen to operate a one-person private practice…if you catch my drift. Well, don’t catch it. Actually, you know what. I know I should tie this off, but I have yet more questions. If you happen to buy this and happen to use it privately, you’d presumably have to clean out the catchment tray. Are there wheels for this purpose? Will a high-pressure hose suit? Does it come with an etiquette handbook to explain this contraption to your neighbours/family/pastor?


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