TBS Newsbot

Three weird easter eggs that you can buy…but probably shouldn’t

Today is the day of eggs (and Jesus), but for those developing an alcohol addiction, or subject to lactose intolerance, it may certainly be your last. 



Today is the day of the Jesus sequel, but also about the eggs. Eggs, of course, being what Jesus squirrelled away in his cave, before emerging to share the remains of his stash. Or so the legend goes.

With that being said, you’ve probably already eaten this year’s fare, but let me put forward the idea that you’ve already screwed it up. I can probably (rightly) assume that everyone opted for the safe option. The garden variety chocolate eggs we’re all familiar with. I don’t blame you, but we’re all going to be dead soon, so it will be worth going that a bit weird for Easter 2020…if you’re brave enough.

In no particular order, please feast on the questionable range of nonsense that retailers have painfully passed out.


The Jägermeister Easter Egg

Those of the Jägermeister set are easy to spot. They’re the type that holds the bottle aloft, before later passing it out orally. Usually on your shoe, or the floor of wee-morning fast food outlets. However, it now appears in chocolate form, presumably allowing the average Jägermeister fancier to skip the meal they weren’t that keen on. Eating, after all, is cheating.




The Avocado Easter Egg

When our youth evaporates and we’re replaced by the children we made, they will grow, and they will ask us questions. I fear, as a generation, we millennials have many crosses to bear, and many things to explain. The elevation of the avocado is front-and-centre in this regard. We deify that legume for reasons unknown. We chose it instead of home ownership, we work three jobs to fund our addiction. We spent your college fund to wage a war against your grandparents. We’re sorry. Please don’t put us in a home…because you’ll have to pay for it.




The Cheesy Easter Egg

The only reason this exists, I suspect, is to finally kill off that irksome relative who makes a note to loudly state their lactose intolerance. Through the judicial application of chocolate and cheese, socially tolerate vengeance can be yours. Officially known as the “Cheesealicious”, it serves as a particularly shameful means of death for the coroner to type on the death certificate; which is a thrill you cannot buy,

I’m unsure why you’d eat it for leisure, but it’s your life…or what is left of it.