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It’s stressful being the US military. They’re up for long hours blowing things up, but fortunately, they’ve engineered a technique that will see you nod off in two minutes. Or less!
Despite the many (many) ills undertaken in the name of the US Military, it seems that they’ve managed to plant their flag atop Mt Naptime. According to a pre-internet book (entitled ‘Relax and Win: Championship Performance’), they believe they can make you fall asleep in two minutes flat.
Per the book, “…the US Navy Pre-Flight School developed a scientific method to fall asleep day or night, in any conditions, in under two minutes…after six weeks of practice, 96 per cent of pilots could fall asleep in two minutes or less. Even after drinking coffee, with machine gunfire being played in the background.”
So how exactly? Well, the first step is to blank your mind. To do this, it’s recommended you relax all of the muscles in your face. Then drop your shoulders and relax your arms. Breathe out and relax your chest, and then also relax your legs; but make sure you follow that sequence, maggot.
For the next ten seconds, wipe your mind clean. Either imagine you’re lying in a pitch-black room on a comfy couch or, if you’re struggling, saying the words “don’t think” over and over again can supposedly help. This writer believes that should make this as audible as possible, particularly if you’re doing this in a public place.
If you follow the above steps, you are not reading this sentence, as you will be asleep. Don’t believe it? This has been engineered by those who carry loud things to far-distant lands to bomb it back to the Stone Age. They know what they’re doing…at least on the nap front.
So, get on board, puke. Word of warning though, make sure you follow the US military route, and not the CIA’s. You may wake up with blood mysteriously on your hands.