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See you in shell: Floridian threatens police with biblical plague of turtles

While the Lord moves in mysterious ways, one aspirational Floridian saint has vowed to spite wrongdoers with his army of killer turtles.




These days, it seems we’re looking for a saviour. Someone to spite the evil that threatens us, someone who wields powers over our station, but for good. On the sunburnt yokel streets of Florida, we may have found one. Thomas Devaney Lane is the name of our new Jesus, his features familiar to the startled employees of Sassy Granny’s Smoothies.

Lane, also known as “The Saint” (a nickname he granted himself), began his crusade against the evil-doings of commerce, harassing a 7-11, a Starbucks and the local police station, prior to his arrest, after his release, and once again when he arrested a second time.

The police, responding to seven complaints, were faced with something far beyond their control, with Lane triumphantly telling the assembled constabulary that “…you will all be sorry you (expletive) with the saint,” according to the affidavit.

What separates The Saint from the regular disturbers of our peace was the features of his vengeance. According to numerous reports, Lane promised to unleash his “army of turtles” to smite those who trapped him and later made him pay bail, particularly making it clear that “everyone” will soon be “destroyed”.



Yes, it’s a rather slow-moving rapture, but it’s certainly something.

In Turtle Saint we trust?



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