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While you were asleep: Alan Jones ruins Q&A, Britain weaponises the milkshake, Labor considers its options

While you’ve been asleep, Nigel Farage has been milkshaked, Alan Jones ruined Q&A, and the ALP considered its options for a new leader. Also, you snore. A lot.

 

 

The first Q&A of the new government quickly devolves into climate change denial. Same as it ever was.

If the election result was a hangover, then this morning would represent the point where we’re almost ready to venture out and get food. While the shock has now evaporated, our eyes are defining the shameful haze of the other night and this new world we’ve stumbled into. We’ve removed the puffy pillow of denial off our face, and thrown back the down comforter of confusion and we’re set to face the…Christ is that Alan Jones on Q&A?

 

 

As the above footage illustrates, Australia’s top ten (?) climate change denier, Alan Jones, ruined the evening for Scott Morrison’s silent majority, waffling on about the fictional evils of a shifting environment.

“This is predicated with the argument that the whole nation thinks climate change is the biggest issue in the country,” Alan Jones said, quietly turning the stomach of those (soon to be ex) employees of the Australian Broadcasting Corporation. Alan continued, “…what is climate change? … Young people are highly intelligent. They have many platforms from which they can (glean) their information and knowledge. I wonder whether they’re being told all the facts in relation to this…It’s 0.04 per cent, and of that 0.04 of a per cent, human beings around the world create 3 per cent. And of that 3 per cent of Australia creates 1.3 per cent. So for the 1.3 per cent of 3 per of 0.04 per cent we then decide to have a national economic suicide note.”

Too. Many. Numbers. Too. Hung. Over.

 

 

Critic pegs milkshake at Nigel Farage, Guy Fawkes spins in grave.

As someone who is intolerant of lactose, I find the current trend of using dairy as a means of criticism very upsetting. It may have started in Brazil with the egging of Jair Bolsonaro, contemporised and rebranded in Australia with the cracking of Fraser Anning (and the attempted egging of Scott Morrison), but the nonsense has clearly crossed the channel, as the British are now using the milkshake to articulate their disgust.

 

 

Farage, the Clown Prince of Brexit took to Twitter after the whipped up frenzy, stating that “Sadly some remainers have become radicalised, to the extent that normal campaigning is becoming impossible…for a civilised democracy to work you need the losers consent.”

I mean, it was a very nice suit, but considering Farage once said that he’d “don khaki, pick up a rifle and head for the front lines” if his type of Brexit wasn’t favoured, his rhetoric seems to be lacking flavour. Paul Crowther, the citizen who applied the cow urine upon Farage’s coat of sheep pubes, said (whilst in handcuffs) that we was looking forward to drinking it, prior to fate intervening.

 

 

Two points to raise.

A) The moment where a fellow convict asked the new resident what he was in for would have been a scene, man.

B) I think that Brexit shouldn’t be the issue moving forward, as I believe the UK milkshake economy is out of control. After all, how can you possibly charge $9.67 for a beverage?

 

 

 

ALP leadership candidates reach a level not seen since the last time you rode the late bus home.

Speaking of the election, what we clearly have is a leadership vacuum at the top of the ALP. Like the prime spot adjacent to the supermarket escalator, or an abandoned Opal card on a train seat, every swinging dick in the political county is subtly edging toward the goal, with blinker clearly illuminated.

A day removed from Tanya Plibersek announcing her desire not to run, we’ve had many more claimants to the throne. Last night, the Shadow Member of Finance Jim Chalmers (who was also nice enough to put his head in Q&A‘s vice) mentioned his hand up to perhaps “consider” taking the job, as did the pro-Adani Joel Fitzgibbon this morning, who sort of mentioned that maybe he would take the job, planting “I am prepared to run for change. I am getting a bit old as you can see, I’ve been around a long time and I would rather a younger person take up the mantle, but if I need to do I will do it.”

 

 

The frontrunner at the moment is Anthony Albanese, which seems an obvious ploy to stop another Queensland happening. Which, I mean, ok, but I don’t think a dust-up between two folksy dorky men of the people, both who frequently reference their local football squad in between bouts of speaking plainly and drinking ale is the solution to the national problem. Clearly, factual polish is out, plain speaking facts are in.

 

The Liberal and Labor Party leaders meet in first leader’s debate. Colourised (2021).

 

 

 

 

 

 

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