Good news! There are arachnid mites in your face that do nothing but bonk and feast when you’re napping. Nice.
Right, so don’t freak out. But right now, you’ve probably got things on your face doing each other, whilst drinking themselves into a stupor on your natural oils. Think of it as the final days of Rome, but microscopic, and on your face.
Well, I say “things”, but they’re closer to tick-like arachnids. These face mites live a peaceful life in the facial boulevards of most adults. Incidentally, the mites are not found on our younglings but are transported there via parental contact.
So, what do they look like? Well, they’re eight-legged, microscopic and mostly transparent, which means they’re hard to spot with the naked eye, and Jesus, there’s one lurking behind you with sex in its eyes. The sweaty horror of it.
Why the face? Well, these ticks live in the caves surrounding your hair follicles, which is ostensibly an all-you-can-fuck buffet of sebum — the oil your face excretes to keep hydrated. These burrowing face-first into those pores, where they sleep by day, waiting for the evening, to feast and joust at odd hours. Like how they do in Europe. When you’re asleep, they crawl onto the surface of your skin to mate, and awww yeah – kill it with fire.
For those still reading, check out this visceral explainer by PBS.