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Donald Trump has returned to the United Kingdom, but I fear those who have mobilised against him have already lost.
In 1991’s King Ralph, a boorish overweight American ascends to the British throne after an accident befalls the royal family. It’s like Babe but with a Yankee pig scoffing his way through a trough of dick jokes and tired juxtapositions. In one scene, etiquette must be quickly taught to this Ralph character, in order to maintain respect to the throne:
Phipps: When in public, a royal personage must refrain from chewing gum, using profanity, picking his nose, scratching his p… p… p… p… private parts and staring down the bust lines of visiting female dignitaries.
Ralph Jones: What the hell! That’s everything!
Whenever Donald Trump travels to the UK, I think of that movie. Probably because of the number of laughs either produce and the fact that it gets stale quickly, especially when you realise the American way of life and the British pomp are as pointless as each other.
With that being said, when an entity who seems invulnerable to criticism travels to the land that created cynicism, you’d expect fireworks, clickbait and a page three spread of some smashing piece of biscuit wearing a Donald toupee downstairs and nothing else, guv’nor.
With that being said, the mirthful populace has responded, with English chap Ollie Nancarrow’s lawnmowered penis carved into the earth near Stansted Airport, a threatened renewal of the “Baby Trump” blimp flight that visited the skies over LDN during his previous visit, and Led By Donkey’s reference to Donald Trump’s capitulation to an inanimate object, a ship, named after a man he only truly started warring with after one party was deceased.
Hey @realDonaldTrump, we read the story about the sailors on a US warship being ordered to hide from you because you’re triggered by the name on their hats. So we turned Madame Tussaud’s into a giant USS John McCain baseball cap. Welcome to London! pic.twitter.com/KuynOwupFm
— Led By Donkeys (@ByDonkeys) June 3, 2019
However, Donald has clearly arrived prepared, as his counter response of self-owns has far trumped (sorry) the offerings of the opposition. Clearly, Daddy Don is looking to decay the country from the inside out. For a land that adores pomp and stance, Donald turning up to meet the Queen in an outfit, which was excellently described as what a mob kingpin on the lam in Miami would wear, clearly states his intention. For a man who excels at engineering situations where the goal is getting others to flay him for his own ends, bravo.
The President of the United States, Donald Trump, falling asleep as Her Majesty The Queen delivers her State banquet speech… pic.twitter.com/O1SrvyZIDn
— fototec (@fototec_fu) June 3, 2019
Clearly, the British are unprepared for this scrap. As the American side of the same opposition has already taken as gospel, knocking the egg off the wall is a difficult feat. He’s Godzilla in a spray tan, a monster birthed by the atomic mistakes of silly people and he cannot be halted with conventional warfare. It’s best to let him trash the place and clap when he wanders back into the sea, bored, sated, threatening his return.
The English are learning this, as they’re already recycling their muskets. This is evident in the illustrations below. The below image is from this morning, a rehash of Baldrick’s cunning slam in 2018.
— Ivo Peric (@evitoperez) June 3, 2019
— Ted Sullivan (@karterhol) July 13, 2018
Later, Donald tweeted: “London part of trip is going really well. The Queen and the entire Royal family have been fantastic. The relationship with the United Kingdom is very strong. Tremendous crowds of well wishers and people that love our Country.
“Haven’t seen any protests yet, but I’m sure the Fake News will be working hard to find them. Great love all around. Also, big Trade Deal is possible once UK gets rid of the shackles.”
Last evening, Donald met with the Queen, where one can assume that McDonald’s is not on the menu, offering yet another parallel with his faux-royal doppelganger King Ralph:
Sir Cedric Willingham : These are a few of our traditional English dishes, some of which will be served tonight. Here, we have roast beef and Yorkshire pudding, bangers and mash, and the ever-popular spotted dick.
Ralph Jones : Spotted dick?
Ralph Jones : Dick of what?
Sir Cedric Willingham : These are the bangers. Sausages.
Sir Cedric Willingham : The spotted dick is a dessert.
Ralph Jones : Could I just have some ice cream?