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Report: Casual sex is the root cause of climate change

According to a deep study of hard conclusions, scientists believe that sex is the reason why the globe has warmed considerably. 

 

 

An intriguing new theory on climate change is beginning to cause a frisson or two in scientific circles.

Some eminent scientists have announced that without committing themselves in any way whatsoever they are open to further learned opinion on whether climate change is caused by sex rather than coal.

Naturally, the theory is causing confusion among climate activists because renewable energy, which they have long believed to be key to saving the planet, is also the main cause of enhanced sexual activity.

Scientists have known for some time that sex causes temperatures to rise much more sharply than carbon emissions but only recently has it become apparent that the surging popularity of sex has tended to reduce the length of cooling-off periods.

These latest revelations are already causing a deal of alarm especially among people who find it much easier to do without coal than sex.

The Greens remain sceptical. Sex is arguably the only human activity they haven’t branded as harmful to the planet; in fact, they’ve recommended it as the ideal carbon-neutral way to stay warm in Winter.

Scientific studies are already planned to determine whether the increased sexual activity among tourists and researchers in the Arctic and Antarctic is the real reason the ice has started to melt.

Intensive laboratory testing is underway to determine whether steam given off by sex causes a more intense greenhouse effect than smoke given off by coal.

This new theory about the cause of climate change has already gained strong support from the coal mining industry. They point out that sex not only stokes fires of passion but also brings on floods of tears and a very Stormy Daniels.

If sex does prove to be the main driver of global warming there are a range of effective measures open to mankind for saving the planet.

Experts are already investigating whether sex can be subject to climate control as an extension of birth control.

There is considerable doubt however whether sex could be reduced through the imposition of a tax, although there is the consideration that bringing the government into the bedroom is enough to put anyone off. From a tax perspective, it opens up the exciting prospect of cheating with your husband or wife.

Tax experts believe a solution could be found in a tax-free sexual relationship with a nominated spouse or partner while a bit on the side could attract a luxury tax.

Government communications experts are already envisaging a public campaign advocating a cold shower to control your urges and even in extreme cases freezing your assets.

If the theory about sex causing global warming proves to be correct nymphomania and sex mania would have to be treated as epidemics, Viagra would be placed on the prohibited drugs register, Mars would become the destination of choice for dirty weekends to save the planet and the age of consent would have to be raised to thirty-five at the very least.

 

 

 

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