Study finds that shrimp in the UK are on all the drugs

According to a new study, shrimp in British waterways possess more than a passing fancy for cocaine. And ketamine. And Xanax. And valium. Woo, party. 



We’ve all met those who are selfish with their recreational drugs, now prepare to meet shellfish that are entirely made of recreational drugs.

Check this. A brand new study has discovered rather spiffing levels of cocaine, ketamine, valium, Xanax, tramadol, and other party time fun drugs in the bodies of freshwater shrimp who hail from Suffolk. They also discovered traces of numerous pesticides that are now prohibited by the EU. So, ostensibly, that town in the middle of the Earth in the Matrix, but its all drugs, and it smells like shrimp. Mmm.

According to the research, the most drug that the shrimp were most influenced by was cocaine, which was detected in all 15 test sites. While I’m unsure how they measured for such things, I can only assume that the researchers that were cornered by the staccato Smalltalk of shrimp have now reconsidered their career choices.

“Such regular occurrence of illicit drugs in wildlife was surprising,” Dr Leon Barron, a forensic scientist at King’s College, said in a statement. “We might expect to see these in urban areas such as London, but not in smaller and more rural catchments. The presence of pesticides which have long been banned in the UK also poses a particular challenge as the sources of these remain unclear.”

“Whether the presence of cocaine in aquatic animals is an issue for Suffolk, or more widespread an occurrence in the UK and abroad, awaits further research,” added study author Professor Nic Bury from the University of Suffolk.

“Environmental health has attracted much attention from the public due to challenges associated with climate change and microplastic pollution. However, the impact of ‘invisible’ chemical pollution (such as drugs) on wildlife health needs more focus in the UK as a policy can often be informed by studies such as these.”

With that being said, the concept of the quaint English countryside being interrupted by the drug intake of its local critter population is nothing new, as a study in 2018 discovered that European eels “exposed to low levels of cocaine experience irreversible physiological damage”, considering creatures are already critically endangered, it could threaten the species as a whole. Which is eely-eely bad. I just hope they don’t inadvertently inhale some nangs and discover the music of Pond as a result.


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