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Queen restores absolute monarchy after Tories sweep exit polls

In an extraordinary move, Queen Elizabeth II has returned herself to power after “having enough” of British politics.



While the exit polls may be suggesting a Tory landslide and a victory for Boris Johnson, but it’s already too late, as the United Kingdom has a new leader, 92-year-old conservative monarchist, Queen Elizabeth II.

She announced her decision via video message, stating that the extraordinary step to restore the monarchy and remove the elected parliament was “a necessary decision in an uncertain time”, stating that she had “no choice” but to appoint herself, promising to lead England “…out of darkness, and back to a place of warmth and wealth”.

Today’s decision reverses the one made in 1649, when Oliver Cromwell formed parliament at the edge of the knife. The restoration of the monarchy allows The Queen to wield supreme power, not subject to question, election or independent debate.

Her first move was to dissolve the House of Commons, replacing Opposition Leader Jeremy Corbyn with an ornate picture of her dear last-departed Corgi, Whisper, and quickly appointed Theresa May to Admiral of the Royal Fleet, where she’ll be “responsible for the renewed vigour of the British Empire”.

As for the Brexit issue, The Queen was quick to announce that she had an alternate plan, officially recommencing the Hundred Years’ War, a move that would “bring those Frenchfolk to the table, on our terms”

The Queen closed the recorded statement with the announcement of a “punishment tax”, which would tithe 35% of the “commoners” income, effective until she believed they were “sufficiently sorry”.







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