The land of the free and the home of the spurious lawsuit has a new hero, a man who looked to singlehandedly right injustice…in regards to imitation butter.
As we shuffle along the mortal coil, we identify that our society is split into two disparate parties. Those who operate within the boundaries of tolerance, and those who colour outside of those lines, those who make the easy needlessly complex. Quick shoutout to people who complain about how much things cost when at the front of the line, those who make more than one transaction at the ATM, and those who dawdle in the right-hand lane. I’ve recently found religion, and it’ll tell you why: I realised that the road to hell is paved with these societal pissants, and therefore I’d imagine the pit of sulphur is where the hive is located.
Chiefly to this is the man who took umbrage with being given margarine in lieu of butter. Jan Polanik didn’t care for how his bread was buttered (with a substitute), so he decided to action the lawyers against Dunkin’ Donuts, and he won (because of course), but I’m afraid this is no story of an open and shut case of stupidity personified, as the story spreads over the crusty edge of accepted normalcy, pooling at the feet of restauranteurs across Americana.
The crimes that Mr Polanik endured were him being served a substitute condiment on his bagels from 2012 to 2016. Move over, Mandela. However, a home-grown Nelson he may certainly be in some corners of the United States, as he fought the cruel system, and won. Free at last…to butter bagels. His golden day lawsuit, the American Dream of an international conglomerate shelling out over your stupidity, is entirely altruistic; for the class action suit and it’s resulting settlement, up to 1,400 people may claim up to three free buttered muffins, bagels or other baked goods from the chain’s 23 locations in the state.
Shapiro commented that “the main thrust of the case is to get the stores, and hopefully Dunkin’ Donuts generally, to change that practice and not deceive people.”
The stores will be required to use only butter – no margarine or butter substitutes – for a year. If they use butter substitutes in the future, the menus will have to explicitly say so.
Thomas G Shapiro, a lawyer who represented Polanik, said it was unclear what each of the restaurants used in lieu of butter, but one of the stores had “a large tub that looked a lot like a tub of Country Crock, a very inexpensive spread that is sold in grocery stores.”
Restoring the public assumption of lawyers everywhere, Shapiro commented that “the main thrust of the case, really, is to get the stores, and hopefully Dunkin’ Donuts generally, to change that practice and not deceive people.”
Whether Polanik’s concessions are won, and his subsequent soubriquet “Jan the Man” is awarded or not, the issue is clear; time is precious, and if we donate our time to something not worthy of it, that is a crime. With that in mind, I’ll be starting a class-action lawsuit against the lawyer, Dunkin’ Donuts, Jan Polanik, the editor of this piece, as well as every time-wasting cretin I’ve endured in my short time on earth.