Vanilla Ice announces show in pandemic hotspot because the 90’s “didn’t have coronavirus”

Citing nostalgic denial, Vanilla Ice will perform in COVID-addled Texas, primarily on the basis that the nineties didn’t have to deal with COVID-19. Ok.

 

 

Perhaps proving that America is finally taking the coronavirus seriously, Robert van Winkle has decided to stop, collaborate and listen to himself, will hold a concert in COVID-addled Texas. The man better known as Vanilla Ice has decided to combat the pandemic with tone-deaf nostalgia, stating on his Instagram that “The 90s were the best. We didn’t have coronavirus, or cell phones, or computers. We had 5.0’s, blockbuster, Beavis and Butthead, Wayne’s World, Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan…Mortal Kombat is still better than Fortnight…the last of the great decades.”

I mean, you could readily make the case he sounds like every one of my thirty-something friends struggling to grow old, but deciding to fight a pandemic with utter denial is a hell of a drug. Moreover, trying to fight a deadly virus with dead institutions is indeed a strange flex. Disappointingly, this aligns him with the Republican half of America, i.e. if I ignore the virus, it ain’t real, but should he not be gripped by the authorities, or common sense, he’ll be the only show in Austin, Texas, as every other bar and/or evening establishments are closed due to COVID-19.

How did Ice pull it off? Well, much like the song he wrote about himself, it involves taking advantage of a rather spurious loophole. According to the Austin Chronicle, the venue — Emerald Point Bar & Grill (situated on the shores of chad-sounding Lake Travis) is technically a restaurant, even though it also has a large capacity outdoor general admission concert space. ‘Large’ is the operative term here, as technically, the amount of tickets sold is within the parameters of acceptability. I mean, yay, but it’s also worth noting that the positivity rate for tests the Austin area is now at 28%, according to local news station KVUE. So, boo.

Now, one can readily assume that a smattering of rebellious Austinites may see it as an opportunity to stick to the man through the verbiage of another who can wax a chump like a candle; but I certainly hope he’s not made a denizen of free speech because of it, a Rush Limbaugh in a flat-top and a drop-top, or indeed a victim of the coronavirus, as I believe further attention will enable a repeat performance.

After all, he has form in this regard.

 

 

Alright, stop. Please.

 

 

 

 

 

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