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While work has been forever changed by the pandemic, the time may be right to apply for a job we normally wouldn’t.
Other than the scores of dead, the pandemic has claimed the idea of stable employment. While many of us have lost our jobs, and are set to lose our jobs, the concept of the safe 9-to-5 job may have finally breathed its last in this calendar year. As for the rest of us, we’re going to need something, anything, moving forward.
With that in mind, we’ve tabulated a list of some of the more obscure jobs available in 2020. Saying that, while a change is as good as a holiday, but keep in mind some of these are more a week spent in Aleppo than Aruba.
Also known as moirologists, are people by family members to grieve at funerals and wakes. Per, Job Monkey, “The intention is to increase the number of funeral participants, provide new faces, show support for the deceased, and help people deal with a tragedy through other’s expressions of grief.”
Being paid to mourn dates back to the Han Dynasty in China, roughly 100 BC. Internet estimates place the average pay for an average mourner to be $30-$120 per funeral.
Responsibilities: Turning up to funerals of strangers and adding gravitas to lives that you had no idea existed.
Would suit: The needlessly dramatic, those who look good in black, those suffering from chronic ennui.
Hours: Two, four max, pending length of the service.
Perks: Free food, the possibility of grief-enabled sexual congress.
The chance for promotion: Nil, but for those who mourn hardest is a sort-of management position.
Responsibilities: Not a sexual subculture as the name alludes to, the Wrinkle Chaser removes the creases from newly constructed shoes.
Would suit: Foot fetishists, those with high range OCD.
Hours: Long, but the time would be carved into an evenly dispersed timetable.
Perks: Mindfulness, the chance to control your environment.
The chance for promotion: It’s more of a lifestyle than a job.
Responsibilities: Testing water-slides, water-slides that may be unsuitable for the human body to endure.
Would suit: Those who are thirteen going on thirty, dolphins.
Hours: As much as your luck rides, or how much sunburn one can endure.
Perks: You get to live that dream you once knew for that one summer at Wet n’ Wild in 1996.
The chance for promotion: Strange one. You’d have to show an idiot-savant knowledge of engineering. Enough to not die, but not enough to get promoted, as you’d surely be tasked to design them, which means you’d have to hang up the boardies.
Vomit cleaner/deodorant tester/pet food tester
Responsibilities: Otherwise known as the Janitor, the Guinea Pig and the Labrador (which sounds like a Sergio Leone movie for children), the main responsibility for all three is losing all dignity in yourself, and thumbing your nose at the million years of the evolutionary process.
Would suit: Those in pursuit of a constant sensory kick.
Hours: What do you care? If you do these jobs, it’s safe to assume that you’ve got little else on.
Perks: Meet people, maybe a dog.
The chance for promotion: Maybe, one day, if you work hard enough, someone will clean up your vomit.
Professional line stander/professional sleeper
Responsibilities: Reaching the front of a line, professionally; and being able to fall asleep on cue, professionally.
Would suit: Professionals, narcoleptics.
Hours: Varies. Depends on the length of the line, or nap.
Perks: “Being outside” and sleep, glorious sleep.
The chance for promotion: None. And, like it or not, no matter the comfort of the surrounds, we still learn to hate our jobs as much as we love them – even our dream jobs (mind the pun). So, my concern is twofold. A) you still have to get out of your bed to get to the one at work, and B) would you start to dislike sleep because it feels like work? And what would you do on your days off – stay awake?
And finally, a quick spin of the globe brings us to Japan. The land of rules walking with thinly veiled ickiness hidden off the main streets of Tokyo. I love you Japan, but not like this. Let’s just be friends.
Professional cuddler/rental boyfriend (isn’t that just an escort?)
Responsibilities: Being an escort, evading police questioning when your “client” turns up dead.
Would suit: Serial killers, the lonely, sociopaths.
Hours: It’s a relationship, duh.
Perks: Being paid to spoon, commitment minus the commitment.
The chance for promotion: Nil, but there’s a chance that you hook up with a street-wizened shyster, form a bond made through abject desolation, and not quite make to a new life somewhere else. There you are, you handsome devil.