The McWhopper peace treaty almost ended the war between McDonald’s and Burger King. But with the latter renewing the conflict with the same product, I fear peace is impossible.
It pains me to see a petty, easily resolvable international conflict roll on. One that has been waged for as long as I can remember, one that will seemingly rage forever. August 26, 2015, was the infamous mark on the calendar, as it became the date that saw peace between McDonald’s and Burger King greasily slip through their fingers.
The idea was to combine their culinary science for the good of mankind, where both parties would come together to create the McWhopper. Sadly, it was not to be.
Well, like everything else on the internet, the above has aged poorly, as this year saw an amnesic renewal of hostilities; replete with Burger King swinging the same olive branch they once extended with peaceful auspices. Like some new hideous bomb, it exploded on the scene with a disarming name, The Big Jack.
Forget the obvious morish plagiarism of the two flame-grilled 100% Aussie beef patties, topped with melted cheese, special sauce, fresh lettuce, pickles and onions on a toasted sesame seed bun; I want to know how close we were to peace.
For those living underneath the marketing bomb line, we’ve all grown weary of this burger war, but we have no choice but to be involved. The warfare of breakfast no longer stops at 10:30am, our colons are targeted around the clock. We’re merely bystanders, victims of this conflict. Are the burgers really better, or are we just rehashing their propaganda?
Hungry Jack’s. McDonald’s.
You are so similar in so many ways. Perhaps this is why you are blind to what we can see. In only looking for weaknesses, you miss what could be. The idea of the perfect enemy has taken hold, the awful truth may be that you need each other, for you know of nothing else. But, let me ask you this. Do you even know how it started? Who fired the first grill? Does it matter to either of you anymore?
It matters to us; because we smelled something new. But all that ended on the 26th of August, 2015.
It was so close. But one of you has spurned this, choosing pride over peace, disrespecting the olive branch extended by retreating to your familiar weapons of passive-aggressiveness. We don’t blame you. You both act on what you have taught yourself to be. But there is another path, one of noble means and desires. One where everybody wins.
So, what kind of feast do we mean, and what kind of feast do we seek?
To quote the Colonel, “…it’s Finger-Lickin’ Good”.
That’s what it should be about. The licking of one’s digits. A peaceful taste race. Not a fight to the death, where two giants battle like greasy cornered beasts, thinking only of survival.
Your most basic common link is that you both inhibit our lives. You both cherish the Drive-Thru. You both add cheese. And we all hate you afterwards.
Mister McDonald, Mister King.
Tear down our Gastric Wall.