Well, Prince Philip has finally kicked the bucket, leaving behind a legacy of offensive remarks and hurt feelings across the Empire.
Today, we lost someone who looks like he’s been dead for fifteen years. Prince Philip finally shuffled loose the mortal coil, with the Royal Family announcing his death on Twitter, writing: “It is with deep sorrow that Her Majesty The Queen has announced the death of her beloved husband, His Royal Highness Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh. His Royal Highness passed away peacefully this morning at Windsor Castle.”
He was 99. Yet, the late Prince Philip was a man who had the remarkable ability to offend absolutely everyone; regardless of background, creed or orientation. It’s almost a talent. He, after all, said everything you shouldn’t say, or everything you wanted to say, but didn’t. He was the uneducated, entitled voice inside all of us. Yet, it doesn’t matter anymore, because he’s dead.
But while he shouldn’t be missed (or celebrated) he leaves behind a dramatised take on Netflix, a wife (who now is now free to download Tinder) and a whole library of quotes, ranging from the horrifically distasteful to the awfully funny. After all, he once said that he’d have to give up polo if the Royal Family kept losing money. Which is as close to self-awareness as he ever approached.
But before we bury the ghoulish cad forever, we thought it best to present a collection of his remarks to remember why it’d be wrong to mourn him, but still note his passing.
To a children’s band in Australia in 2002: “You were playing your instruments? Or do you have tape recorders under your seats?”
At an engineering school closed so he could officially open it, 2005: “It doesn’t look like much work goes on at this university.”
On the problems of partnerdom, 1988: “I don’t think a prostitute is more moral than a wife, but they are doing the same thing.”
To a 13-year-old visiting the NOVA space vessel, 1998: “Well, you’ll never fly in it, you’re too fat to be an astronaut.”
After a breakfast of bacon, eggs, smoked salmon, kedgeree, croissants and pain au chocolat – from Gallic chef Regis Crépy, 2002: “The French don’t know how to cook breakfast.”
To black politician Lord Taylor of Warwick, 1999: “And what exotic part of the world do you come from?”
Asking Cate Blanchett to fix his DVD player because she worked “in the film industry”, 2008: “There’s a cord sticking out of the back. Might you tell me where it goes?”
To a group of industrialists in 1961: “I’ve never been noticeably reticent about talking on subjects about which I know nothing.”
To female MPs in 2000: “So this is feminist corner then.”
To a well-wisher during a Diamond Jubilee visit to South London: “I would be arrested if I unzipped that dress.”
To a professional photographer: “just take the f****** picture.”