Monday. Get away from her, you bitch. What happened while you were asleep? Well, Bob Hawke returned to the fold, Darwin didn’t get its cyclone and two F-35’s were defeated by a drizzle.
A Webster’s worthy dose of doublespeak, the re-emergence of the colour line, and a musical interlude all featured in #AusPol this week. But who won? Well…
Sweet, loving Thursday. What happened while you were asleep? Well, Uber’s CEO abused Uber, Sydney’s summer heat tabulated, and Rugby’s first all-female panel.
O, Humpday. What happened while you were asleep? Well, the US people defended their President, George Brandis forgot important stuff, and the A-League expansion is off for the moment.
Good Tuesday to you. What happened while you were asleep? Well, the LNP banded together to vote down an abortion bill in QLD, Warren Beatty continued to defend his actions and Pokémon turned legal.
Well, the Oscars were god-awful until Warren Beatty gave the Best Picture award to the wrong movie. What else did you miss? Well…quite a bit.
Happy Oscar morning, y’all. What else happened while you were asleep? Well, Turnbull doomed Indonesia with a selfie and Hayao Miyazaki unretired himself.
The final form of Malcolm, the re-return of the returning returner and one very sad panda. What a week of #AusPol it was. We survived it. At least until Sunday, you know, when I have to work, yeah?
We’re heading beyond humpday to the end of the week at last. What happened while you were asleep? Well, Kim Jong-nam’s death took on a life of its own, we met our first transgender doll, and Gordon Ramsay yelled a lot, through the magic of Twitter.
Morning, you brain-dead geniuses. What happened while you were asleep? Well, a former Bernie staffer launched the US progressive party, the Icelandic PM moved to ban the Hawaiian pizza (sort of), and an Australian faces a Balinese jail.
Morn-o. What happened while you were asleep? Well, we saw a new side to Clive Palmer, the same old side of warfare, and a welcome, furrowed brow on QandA. Hooray.
Well, not bad for a Monday. We had Trump inventing a terror attack and the Internet biting back, Darwin celebrated the 75th anniversary of it being bombed and Rodrigo Duterte went off the deep end. Again.
The amnesiac 1%, a Senator almost reaching professional puberty and parliament replaced by cyborgs; it was a standard week in #Auspol. But who won?
Good Judgement Day to you all. Today, I yearn for the rapture. What happened while you were asleep? Well, the Alt-Right found it’s new Pepe, we have a suspect in the murder of Kim Jong Nam, and the Nokia 3310 is back, for fudge’s sake.
Lord. What an evening it was. What happened? Well, Gambia decided to go retro and join the Commonwealth, Playboy went nude (again), and Cee Lo Green explained his odd Grammy’s outfit.
Well, good morning to you. What happened while you were asleep? Well the Trump-Trudeau handshake ushered in a new era of journalism, Meryl Streep practiced for her next role and Jacqui Lambie was eviscerated by a TBS alum. Huzzah!
Monday, why. What happened while you were asleep? Well, Kanye changed his hair colour, Jim Jefferies started a new social trend in #FlipOffASympathiser and the responses to Trump’s executive orders were tabulated.
A deflection, a donnybrook and an opportunity for sweet #AusPol merch squandered… We’re wondering who escaped Question Time’s first week with their dignity intact. (Trick question.)
Blergh. Daylight. Time for bed. What happened while you were asleep? Well, Jack Nicholson is back in Hollywood, Donald Trump got some reading advice and Centrelink will be held accountable by the senate.
The majesty of Humpday is upon us. What happened while you were asleep? Things got very silly indeed. A chip that resembled Harambe sold for $100k, Bernie Sanders was inspo for high fashion, and male birth control almost arrived.
Tuesday. The cruel, identical sister of Monday, oh joy. What happened while you were asleep? Well, conflict in Syria rolled on, the Queen reached an historic number in the job and Trump is now apparently Stalin.
Monday, bloody Monday. What happened while you were asleep? The Federal Court halted Trump’s Muslim ban, Pauline shared what she’d do as PM and New York City cleaned up her act.